Here's some stuff you could do without... Life in the Fast Lane - By John Burgess If you're like me, your brain has to be jump started each morning with several jolts of high quality caffeine. I'm not talking about pre-ground pre-packaged name brand coffee sold in supermarkets. My engine runs on high octane: Fresh whole beans from Colombia, Brazil, Java, fat as your thumb, bursting with the black essence of caffeine. Make no mistake; the perfect cup of coffee is a daily grind, in your electric grinder, using top quality beans. For the discriminating bean fiend who needs high performance fuel in his tank, a trustworthy source is essential. Fortunately, I have a friend in the bean trade who deals nearby - Al. Al, himself a notorious bean fiend, stocks only #1 quality coffee beans from an American wholesaler known as First Colony. Beans of every persuasion can be found in this multinational colony, from Java to Jamaica, and French Brandy to Swiss Chocolate. With such selection each morning can be addressed differently. A subtly nut-flavored cup of Kenyan to ease you into Thursday, or a full twelve volt boost of French Mocha to stand you up on a Monday. My monthly trek to Al's bean barrels is a ceremony steeped in tradition. The door chimes jingle as I walk in. Al looks up from his place behind the counter and smiles. "There he is," he says. I accept a cup from Al's ever present house pot, and discuss the merits of his latest experimentation. Then, I move to his barrels and set to work. After years of tasting different combinations, I believe I have arrived at the ultimate blend of beans. One part Colombian, one part Java, one part Bourbon Santos, then three full measures French Mocha. Finally, la piece de resistance: Four measures of First Colony's coconut flavored beans. Yeah! Fresh ground and brewed with a filter-drip system, you have a bracing potion; full-bodied, invigorating, subtle as a runaway moose. "So they haven't got you yet, have they?" Al says. Al is referring to the Mellow crowd. While coffee has risen to prominence as a serious pleasure, worthy of refinement, the Mellow-heads, who are coffee's naysayers, have become increasingly vocal. "I hear they're agitating for separate Mellow Sections in restaurants and public places," I say. "Mellow Sections?" Al is aghast. Non-caffeine areas. Hyperactivity not allowed. "My God. Who will stop them?" I shake my head sadly. The Mellow-heads have been getting a lot of air time lately. These are the commercials where you see people with perpetually windswept hair and golden tans walking around beaches looking serene. The key to maintaining this comatose state is to drink a freeze-dried concoction from which 97% of the raison d'etre has been removed. "When will come the day each package of coffee contains a warning from the Surgeon-General?" Al continued. "Tell me Al," I said, digging out a scoop of Java, "have you ever wanted to go mellow?" My question seemed to catch him by surprise. He continued weighing beans and tallying on the cash register, saying nothing. Then he looked up. "Yes John, there was once a time." He paused a moment, polishing his glasses. "It happened years ago when I worked at a shoe company. My boss suggested I was acting edgy and irritable because I drank too much coffee. I responded by breaking a chair over his head. They took me to a Caffeine Dry-Out Center. Somewhere in the wilds north of Barrie." This was unexpected. I listened in fascination as Al told of six weeks of caffeine cold turkey, forced tanning, exercise and meditation classes. "You wouldn't have recognized me when I was released," Al continued, "My only concerns were good vibes and the right kind of margarine. I returned to my job in the city. On a ten-speed, of course. I immediately began organizing an exercise break to replace morning coffee breaks, and took a collection for gym equipment. I encouraged others to get in touch with their auras. When called upon to give a comment on a sales project, I would answer, "For sure, I think I know where you're coming from." My friends couldn't stand it. Finally, one day my secretary offered to refill my Sanka cup. She put in the Sanka all right, the poured black coffee on top of it. I drank it without noticing. Suddenly, a hot flash electrified my brain. The scales fell from my eyes, self-realization possessed me. I immediately strode into my boss's office and broke another chair over his head. Then I left for good. I set up my little retail outlet here shortly after." "Wow! That's some story Al," I marveled. "What was it, your great realization?" He spoke with conviction. "Mellow is excruciatingly dull." "I'll drink to that," I said. We clicked our Styrofoam cups together, and swigged. "Yep," said Al, "it feels good to be alive." And then there was this coffeeholilic who had to stop work every half hour just so have a cup or three. He worked as a carpenter when he steped on a rusty nail and got lock jaw. This of course ment NO COFFEE . He was laying in this hospital bed, dieing for a cup, when he finally rang for the doctor. What's your problem? asked the doctor. Speaking through locked jaw he says...... I MUST HAVE SOME COFFEE!!!! Jokingly the doctor says.. I could give it to you by enema! The man replys,,,,, thats okay!!!! So the doc prepared the coffee then started do give it to him. The guy screams out as if in pain, aaaaauuuuugggghhhh!!! Quickly the doctor says.... what's the matter? Is it too hot???? and the guy says,,, No, too sweet!!!!! This is one from a Gary Larson "Far Side" cartoon: (Shows two cowboys sitting at a table, both with wide eyes and shaking, but with looks of total determination and grit. Gathered around them is a crowd of other cowboys. One of the cowboys sitting at the table is pouring another cup of coffee.) The caption under the cartoon reads: "Hour after hour, cup after cup, the two men matched their caffeine limits in a traditional contest of the Old West." This is going around the net...many forwardings removed. ====================================== The author's name is Cary O'Brien of Addamax Corp., Rockville, MD. I hope you enjoy it as much as we all did. John Rossmann (uunet!synsys!john) NCM(1) (Essential Fluids) NCM(1) NAME ncm - new coffee maker SYNOPSIS ncm [ -RadCxmlnogrtucpFbqisf ] [caf|decaf|columbian] DESCRIPTION For each available heating unit, ncm determines if coffee exists, is hot, and is not tar(4). If any of these are true, the necessary actions are taken to change the situation as required, or as specified by the environment variable BURNERS. ncp then gathers the necessary material and proceeds. The -M option makes coffee in the morning. The drinkinfo(4) database is used to determine the blend and the amount of caffeine, based on the environment variables DRINK, TZ, and the current time. If this information cannot be obtained, full strength Maxwell House is assumed. The ncm command has many, many more than the following options, not all of which are currently supported. Some may never be supported. We are really busy here, and we will try to get around to it as soon as possible, but Doc is breathing down my neck to get something else done, so you will just have to be patient!: -R Recursively make coffee until all resources are exhausted. -a Generate aroma only. -l The same as -n except slower. -d Brew decaf. Will not operate before 10:30 am. -n The same as -l -j Use Jamaica Blue Mountain primo special. This can only be executed by coffeadmin. -r Reverse the order of brewing to get newest first or oldest first as appropriate. -v Execute the vgrind(1) program before proceeding for a fresher brew. EXAMPLES ncp -ldm NOW! Make lots of coffee now! FILES /etc/grinder /etc/filter SEE ALSO tee(1), coke(1), sync(1). NOTES The ncm command may be used as a filter. For more information see the "Making Good Coffee" section of Chapter 10 of the Kitchen Administrator's Guide. BUGS Ick. I hope not. - -- Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes. ------- End of Forwarded Message