In the begining there was great discontent spreading is dark, evil shadow over all mankind and God was displeased. "I'm displeased." He said. 'Neighbours', known to the righteous as 'the word' gave hope to those who purveyed good. Satan was not satisfied with his work, saying unto the 'Dog and Trumpet Bikers'. "What gives you guys? Call yourselves thugs? You're a disgrace to your profession. Now listen good, I wanna see some sin around here. I wanna see scantily clad females, and most of all, loads of litter all over the roads." "Sure boss." The evil clan cheered and God was displeased. "I'm displeased." He said. Evil spread through all the land. Good hearted people wept to see crisp packets on the roads. 'The Life of Brian' was shown twice nightly. 'Neighbours' was banned and the was strife throughout the land. Then God had an idea and with it was well pleased. It was on the night of Saint Daphne, on the eve of Saint Mangel, a bright star shone over Priory Hall and the Lord was well pleased. "I'm well pleased." He said. "I have chosen to be the messiah someone of good heart and faith." And on that night God spoketh to csd113, saying unto him. "Daphne" "My name is csd113, Lord." "Less of the lip toe-rag." "Sorry Lord" "Young Cliff shall be your earthly name and you will doeth my work and shall smiteth all sinners and Conservative M.P's. Coventry City F.C shall be your disciples and you will be known unto them as Nathaniel. You shalt weareth white knickers and virgin shalt thou remain. Thou shalt eat wholesome food for the rest of thy days. Go now and do my bidding Nathaniel of Coventry." AMEN And Nathaniel went out into the wilderness and was tempted three times by naked maidens and Conservative M.P's but never did he falter. "If thou art truly Saint Nathaniel thou canst eat three Shredded Wheat and a bowl of Coco-pops and three plates of potatoes." But Nathaniel could not be swayed and said unto them. "Begone evil sinners and pester me no more. I'm getting fed up of you aye." And the evil ones left him. So Nathaniel walked through the world spreading 'the word'. Soon he came to the land of Hillfields where there was much famin. The people saweth him who was great and called unto him, saying. "Young Cliff, our bellies are as empty as our heads, help us." And Cliff led the masses to a height overlooking Hillfields with a bowl of Coco-pops which he shared out, and all were filled. Then Nathaniel of Coventry spoke unto the masses saying, "I am sent by Him who is Almighty to spread 'the word'. Ten commands I shall give you Eat wholesome food. Coco-pops, potatoes but never chips. Drop not litter, especially plastic bags which babies could choke on. Take not my name for I am vain. Watch not 'The Life of Brian' for it is blasphemous. Attendeth all lessons. Let no-one worry, worry for them. Always watch 'Neighbours' for it is a wonderous, sinless saga. Wear white underwear for it is wholesome. Want not for snow for old people might catch hypothermia. Leave not the thermostat on and always check your father is not lying unconcious by the telephone." The people rejoiced at his wisdom, getting so excited they all had cardiac arrest and died. And Cliff was well pleased. And out into the wilderness did he go again, and after 40 days and 40 nights came across and old man who was call Fred. "Rejoice old man for I bare tidings of great joy." "'Ave you any idea what Data Processing is for?" "Well....." "Wos the matter with you mun, buggering me about yerr." "Shout at me not for I willeth cry," said Cliff. "I don't wanna be funny with you mun, bloody 'ell, 'ang on, something wrong yer, who are you?" "I am the Rt Hon Reverand Bishop Nathaniel of Coventry LDV." Just then a storm came over the land and litter lay everywhere. Lightning bolted from the sky (hitting Fred and recharging his pacemaker ). Thunder boomed around them as Saint Cliff changed into his Litter Defence Volenteer kit. Like a tornado with a bee up his arse Big Cliff shot into action, spearing the sinful litter where ever he dideth go. And Satan was displeased. "Shit!!!" he said. Nathaniel stood strong and proud. Suddenly a white van appeared with a red cross and Cliff was well pleased. "I'm well pleased." he said. Two men in white coats stepped out. "Who do you think you are, Jesus Christ?" They said and took him away. "Ooo what did you do that for?", said good Saint Nathaniel. Coventry City FC wept for they knew the last Coco-pop supper was near. Then the slimy one went to the authorities, and for a handful of gold betrayed Big Cliff to them. On that dark day the messiah was led away to the asylum video room. He was forced to watch 'The Life of Brian' by his executioners Paul Street and Andrew Fry, and he saideth unto the Lord, "Forgive them for they know not what they do." And with that Nathaniel left this world to join his Heavenly Father. And all wept. AMEN The story so far (Say in American accent): "Saint Cliff, Purveyor of good, Slayer of evil, eater of Coco-pops, has, in the process of his holy work, been arrested and tortured, dying of his ordeal." And so the messiah died and the people wept. Old people died of hypothermia. Fathers lay unconcious by telephones and everyone put on $50 shirts in mourning. Litter lay in its vilest forms about the street and God was displeased with them. "I'm displeased with them." He said. Satan though rejoiced in the ending of the holy goodness that was Nathaniel of Coventry. "I am well pleased." he said. Paul Street and Andrew Fry were gleeful of their sinful work. So happy were they that Andrew Fry displaced the weights in his pockets by buying, not one, but half a game of pool. And Paul Street was pleased. "I'm pleased." he said. Suddenly, though a thick darkness had covered the land for three days a bright light appeared in the sky. Andrew misqued, as he did so Paul was forced to crash his tank and they were both displeased. "Shit!!!" they said. A holy light covered the Students Union and all the drunken sods were blinded. And God spoke unto the messiah's executioners. "Evil doers, you have seen my light, repent and do my work." And all the angels sang. aaaAA AA aaa AAA AAA AA aaaaaa And on the third day a video tape of Neighbours was brought to the tomb by the disciples. And so they played it. And on that day, he of the Persil Y fronts, who is Big Cliff, spoke unto the repenters; saying unto the first. "You will be Paul, who is son of Mike." And turning to the other he dideth say "You will be Andrew, who is son of Tom. You will both do my work and spread 'the word'." And it was that they left that place to spread 'the word'. And as they walked they came to a place that was barren, with but one lake. As the disciples approached the lake a large crowd was gathering and lining up in the water. And at the head there was a man who was brown of hair and glass of eye. Nathanial approached the man who was seen to be wetting the heads of the people. He who is great said unto he who was putting water over people and consequently getting them rather annoyed. "Baptise me also" The man knelt "It is for you to do unto me Nathaniel of Coventry" And so it was that Nathaniel raised the water saying unto him. "I baptise you in the name of God Almighty of Coco-pops, potatoes and 'Neighbours'. Now rise. You will be known unto the people as Simon the Baptist. Go now and do my work Simon who is Anderson." And the people rejoiced. And onward they again went and left behind Simon who is Anderson. Through the wilderness did they go. Coming across some people of good faith, seeming very anxious, Young Cliff said unto them. "What ails you, good people of Coventry?" They looked to him who is of white cotton socks, saying "O Nathaniel, crusher of evil, who is sinless, who is incredible ...." "Yes, I know." "A great evil confronts us the the land that is 'N' block in the cave that is N212." "What is the name of this evil?" Big Cliff questioned them. "It is the the dragon that is called Carol." And all gasped at the hideous name except Nathaniel who said "I will destroy this evil." And so they went into the cave of she who is of fiery being, saying unto her. "O evil one who eats neither Coco-pops or potatoes and drops litter about your cave, repent now or suffer your black heart against my glorious goodness." She who is most ugly could find neither big word or sarcastic remark to return and so shrivelled up into a lump of metamorphosised rock. And all rejoiced and were well pleased. Then came through the dust a man whom Saint Cliff recognised and knew as Fred the ancient, who said unto the host "Come unto me who is having trouble with stacks." Young Cliff, who is Nathaniel, who is csd113, said unto him. "I'm getting fed up of you aye." Fred answered saying "Trying to bugger me about are you mun. I'm not trying to be funny with you." Suddenly, he who is poofy, raised his hand saying "Repent Fred, repent Fred the Slayer." With that, he, who is older than the universe, changed and stopped trying to teach computer science. And all rejoiced with the passing of their exams. So onward did he go through the land purveying good and slaying evil. AMEN It came to pass that the first revelation came to and end. The Happy Band that was led by Nathaniel came to rest from their travels at the Dog and Trumpet and announced the beverages were on him that is great. But Nathaniel was shocked, his holy self quaking with rage and he ran into the house of sin, turning over the tables and chairs. After the destruction Young Cliff said to the crowd. "Have I taught nothing to you of what to consume?" "But Lord," they said, "You have not shown us what to drink." "Then I shall," said Nathaniel," You shall drink hot milk and eat chocolate chip cookies and with it you will be satisfied." And so the crowd rejoiced and all were happy. Satisfied with his work Young Cliff went to bed. Only to find a naked female, known to him as Barbara, lying on the bed awaiting fulfilment of the flesh from him who is most virile. But Nathaniel said unto the maiden "Leave me sinful creature, I decline to raise my parts before you." "But how do you expect to human race to survive if we don't do this and create hundreds of little Nathaniels?" "I don't understand," said the wise one, "Everyone knows babies are brought by the great stork. I SAY!!! Where's your Peter, you must be malformed!" The woman then repented of here sin and apologised to Lord Nathaniel who was puzzled by the womans appearance. She then departed into the world. He who is naive then sat on his bed and thought. There was still much sin in the world. Alcohol for sale, people without willies. Someone must have chopped them off and stuck silly lumps on top instead. And so, troubled and very worried Young Cliff fell into slumber In the Lord's dream there was a sinner who was trying to steal Coco-pops from the great ones' wardrobe and another was trying to play a banjo. Suddenly there was a commercial break and a vision came to the great one more horrible than any other before it. The Kellogs chocolate dispenser factory blew up and there was no more Coco-pops. The world was placed in terrible darkness and a nuclear war was started over the lack of Coco -pops. Even Saint Fred the aged one was not excluded from this evil. As his only goal in life was to sort computer papers he was annoyed to find them already sorted. Crying in distress the grey one uttered immortal words, "Who's been buggerin' me about. Bloody 'ell there's somethin' really wrong yer." And so it was that Nathaniel caught the evil dinjin, Robert who is Carter, saying unto him, "My patience is terminated there of Mr Carter." And the evil one answered him who is weedy, without regard for his sacred personage, saying unto him, "Stick it up yur ring!" The great one was shocked and without warning a servant of the dinjin approached Nathaniel and with evil intent spread mud over his holy self. Big Cliff was displeased. "You sod" he said. All went silent. Was it really so? Did he really say it? "Help me Lord", cried the great one, "For even I am becoming corrupted by sin." And so it was that God spoke again to Nathaniel, saying unto him "Wash your bloody face when you're talking to me. And look someone has put ink on your hands." "Oh no," said Cliff ,"I shall die of blood poisoning." "Shut up and listen," said the Almighty, "Things are looking pretty rough down there so you'd better do something quick. Compose a prayer and I will do the rest. 10 : 4 and out." Young Cliff shouted "Bring forth the holy minstrels who are Showaddywaddy." And so they played and Nathaniel saideth "Look at the trees with the pretty leaves." Then a voice boomed out of the sky "Not that you idiot, a prayer." "Sorry Lord." And so it was that Nathaniel composed a prayer. "Our Father Who art in Coventry YMCA Hallowed be thy name, Walter Thy kingdom come (If thou wouldst win the pools) Thy will be done In Poly as it is Priory Hall Give this day our daily Coco-pops And forgive us our failings As we forgive those who rip the piss out of us And lead us not into skiving But deliver us from Howells' lessons For thine in the kingdom (Except the video and the stereo) The power and the glory Till I'm at least 21 Amen." "Well, not quite what I expected but it'll do." Suddenly a huge crater opened up and all who were evil were flung into it and killed. And so it was that all was left was Cliff and his Happy Band along with all the good people. And Cliff saideth "I'm getting fed up of this aye." AMEN Any similarity between persons living or dead is purely intentional. If your name is mentioned then any complaints can be sent to:- G O D And it came to pass that, Frank who is Scouser, didst supplement his wage by going into the sinful business of growing illicit substances. Duly, Frank didst grow some rather dubious looking plants in the window box of his cave. But next door, there didst live a man of pure heart and white under -wear. And so Nathaniel didst call in the constabulary to raid the place. Unfortunately Frank was tipped off by the evil dinjin, Robert who is Carter. As Frank stumbled through the wilderness, window box in his arms, he saw a shadowy figure, drifting through the early mist. Twas very early in the morning so Frank had failed to see the glory of Big Cliff shine throughout the wilderness.And it came to pass that Big Cliff didst say unto him who is unholy "Repent, repent Frank who is neither good nor fair. Repent and do my work." Frank who is Scouser saidst unto him of the white cotton socks "Uh, ok, but can you sort and merge canabis?" And so Frank who is Scouser then became Saint Frank who is of much beared growth. And so the Happy Band didst go into the Land of Hillfields to spread 'The Word'. Soon a great darkness spread over all the land and Saint Paul saideth unto him of the great ego "Ooo look, it's gone all dark" In the gloom and murk, Nathaniel had come across a dreaded horror of the night, a being that nobody could quite bring themselves to think about. The entity was not infact the ghost of the dragon called Carol. But the gargoyle-like features of Mike O'Neil, carrying a dead language under one arm. And the tempter who is Mike didst say unto the Happy Band. "Come unto me who want to learn COBOL" All cried with horror at the hideous language and shook with fear, except for Nathaniel who didst stand strong and proud. "May the Saints of a thousand 'Neighbours' episodes clean your black heart." And so the evil tempter didst fear so greatly at the holy name that the furry covering on his head didst fall out. The Happy Band did the go further into the land Hillfields where they met a vast crowd of sinners. Nathaniel then saidst unto them "Blessed are the rice makers, for theirs is the Coco-pop factory Happy are those who mourn, for they shall have potatoes, but never chips Woe to those who eat chips, for theirs is the kingdom of Coventry Woe to those who never wear white under-wear, for theirs is a dirty botty. Blessed are the meak, for they shall inhibit the earth." And all rejoiced at his great wisdom, saying unto him "We all rejoice at your wisdom." Nathaniel then gave them a video of 'Neighbours' and said unto them "As it says in the seventh commandment. 'Watch Neighbours, for it is a wonderous, sinless saga." AMEN The Happy Band rejoiced at the wonders they had seen and celebrated by drinking milk and eating cookies. And all were filled. Nathaniel then spake unto the Band, saying, "The time of the second Coco-pop supper is near and I shall have to return from whence I came." The Happy Band were glum at the thought of Big Cliff leaving them "We are glum", they said. "Take heart, for I shall come back after three days for the Final Battle with evil." "What do you mean?" said the Happy Band "I am going to be betrayed again." "Is it I?" asked Saint Paul Street "It is whoever I give my dunked bickie to" Nathaniel then dunked his cookie in his milk and gave it to Frank who is of bearded features "Go and do thy work" Nathaniel said "Can I have 30 pieces of silver for the bus?" And that fulfilled the prophecy that Big Cliff would be betrayed for 30 pieces of silver. Big Cliff turned to his disciples and said unto them. "Come with me to the garden" "You are going to pray the Lord?" enquired Saint Andrew who is Fry "No, we are going to have a game of football" With the score at 2:2 the Happy Band -1 were having joy that was exceedingly great. Verily an army of naked maidens and Conservative M.P's came to take Nathaniel away. Frank the Sinner then kissed Big cliff on the cheek. Saint Paul, filled with remorse didst strike out at Frank the Sinner and cut off his Blue Peter Badge. "Ooo what did you do that for?" said Nathaniel He then restuck the badge on Frank the Sinner using a squeezy bottle and half a role of double sided sticky tape. Summary of events ----------------- Saint Nathaniel of Coventry was arrested for a crime he didn't commit. I.e Walking with intent to use a pelican crossing Because the day was a holiday a vote could be taken to see which prisoner could be released from the jail. The people of Coventry shouted "We want Doc Howells, Doc Howells" And so the governer of Coventry released Doc Howells, enabling him to commit more dastardly deads of lecturing to innocent students. And so Nathaniel was led out to be executed by computer science lecturers who were pissed off with him doing good deeds. The lecturers even lured good Simon the Baptist into believing Nathaniel was a jerk. It came to pass that Simon said, "Let's crucify the *******" (roughly translated as 'boy with no father') And it came to pass that Big Cliff was crucified on Mount Caradoc, which means, 'The Place of the Student'. It was Simon the renegade Baptist who put the nails into Nathaniels flesh. Then Simon, with a smile on his face did utter the immortal words "Did anybody bring salt with them?" So, Nathaniel, who is Big Cliff, who is csd113 (had a complaint), who is the messiah was left to die on a cross made of filofax's Nathaniel looked up to heaven and spoke unto the hosts, saying "Have you got a paracetamol?" With his final breath he cried "My God, my God, I have left the oven on and I think my father maybe lying unconcious by the telephone." And so he died ................................................ AMEN The scriptures by GOD Edited by Andrew Fry (not even examined by Lawrence Dark) The Acts of the Happy Band And it came to pass that, Frank who is Scouser, didst supplement his wage by going into the sinful business of growing illicit substances. Duly, Frank didst grow some rather dubious looking plants in the window box of his cave. But next door, there didst live a man of pure heart and white under -wear. And so Nathaniel didst call in the constabulary to raid the place. Unfortunately Frank was tipped off by the evil dinjin, Robert who is Carter. As Frank stumbled through the wilderness, window box in his arms, he saw a shadowy figure, drifting through the early mist. Twas very early in the morning so Frank had failed to see the glory of Big Cliff shine throughout the wilderness.And it came to pass that Big Cliff didst say unto him who is unholy "Repent, repent Frank who is neither good nor fair. Repent and do my work." Frank who is Scouser saidst unto him of the white cotton socks "Uh, ok, but can you sort and merge canabis?" And so Frank who is Scouser then became Saint Frank who is of much beared growth. And so the Happy Band didst go into the Land of Hillfields to spread 'The Word'. Soon a great darkness spread over all the land and Saint Paul saideth unto him of the great ego "Ooo look, it's gone all dark" In the gloom and murk, Nathaniel had come across a dreaded horror of the night, a being that nobody could quite bring themselves to think about. The entity was not infact the ghost of the dragon called Carol. But the gargoyle-like features of Mike O'Neil, carrying a dead language under one arm. And the tempter who is Mike didst say unto the Happy Band. "Come unto me who want to learn COBOL" All cried with horror at the hideous language and shook with fear, except for Nathaniel who didst stand strong and proud. "May the Saints of a thousand 'Neighbours' episodes clean your black heart." And so the evil tempter didst fear so greatly at the holy name that the furry covering on his head didst fall out. The Happy Band did the go further into the land Hillfields where they met a vast crowd of sinners. Nathaniel then saidst unto them "Blessed are the rice makers, for theirs is the Coco-pop factory Happy are those who mourn, for they shall have potatoes, but never chips Woe to those who eat chips, for theirs is the kingdom of Coventry Woe to those who never wear white under-wear, for theirs is a dirty botty. Blessed are the meak, for they shall inhibit the earth." And all rejoiced at his great wisdom, saying unto him "We all rejoice at your wisdom." Nathaniel then gave them a video of 'Neighbours' and said unto them "As it says in the seventh commandment. 'Watch Neighbours, for it is a wonderous, sinless saga." AMEN The Happy Band rejoiced at the wonders they had seen and celebrated by drinking milk and eating cookies. And all were filled. Nathaniel then spake unto the Band, saying, "The time of the second Coco-pop supper is near and I shall have to return from whence I came." The Happy Band were glum at the thought of Big Cliff leaving them "We are glum", they said. "Take heart, for I shall come back after three days for the Final Battle with evil." "What do you mean?" said the Happy Band "I am going to be betrayed again." "Is it I?" asked Saint Paul Street "It is whoever I give my dunked bickie to" Nathaniel then dunked his cookie in his milk and gave it to Frank who is of bearded features "Go and do thy work" Nathaniel said "Can I have 30 pieces of silver for the bus?" And that fulfilled the prophecy that Big Cliff would be betrayed for 30 pieces of silver. Big Cliff turned to his disciples and said unto them. "Come with me to the garden" "You are going to pray the Lord?" enquired Saint Andrew who is Fry "No, we are going to have a game of football" With the score at 2:2 the Happy Band -1 were having joy that was exceedingly great. Verily an army of naked maidens and Conservative M.P's came to take Nathaniel away. Frank the Sinner then kissed Big Cliff on the cheek. Saint Paul, filled with remorse didst strike out at Frank the Sinner and cut off his Blue Peter Badge. "Ooo what did you do that for?" said Nathaniel He then restuck the badge on Frank the Sinner using a squeezy bottle and half a role of double sided sticky tape. Summary of events ----------------- Saint Nathaniel of Coventry was arrested for a crime he didn't commit. I.e Walking with intent to use a pelican crossing Because the day was a holiday a vote could be taken to see which prisoner could be released from the jail. The people of Coventry shouted "We want Doc Howells, Doc Howells" And so the governer of Coventry released Doc Howells, enabling him to commit more dastardly deads of lecturing to innocent students. And so Nathaniel was led out to be executed by computer science lecturers who were p****d off with him doing good deeds. The lecturers even lured good Simon the Baptist into believing Nathaniel was a jerk. It came to pass that Simon said, "Let's crucify the *******" (roughly translated as 'boy with no father') And it came to pass that Big Cliff was crucified on Mount Caradoc, which means, 'The Place of the Student'. It was Simon the renegade Baptist who put the nails into Nathaniels flesh. Then Simon, with a smile on his face did utter the immortal words "Did anybody bring salt with them?" So, Nathaniel, who is Big Cliff, who is csd113 (had a complaint), who is the messiah was left to die on a cross made of filofax's Nathaniel looked up to heaven and spoke unto the hosts, saying "Have you got a paracetamol?" With his final breath he cried "My God, my God, I have left the oven on and I think my father maybe lying unconcious by the telephone." And so he died ................................................ AMEN It came to pass, that after three days an evil dinjin known as Andrew who is Os didst attempt to steal the body of Big Cliff so that he could sell bits of him off as recycled messiah. As he reached the tomb he noticed a police pig looking at the door. "Bloody vandals, look at this, bloody kids, bloody bloody. 'Ello 'ello 'ello wot 'ave we 'ere? It looks like someones buggered off with the body. Bloody 'ell. Is there no rest for anybugger. Bloody 'ell." At it was soon spread throughout the wilderness that Big Cliff, who is Nathaniel, who is the messiah, had left his grave. Even Barbara, who gave her body to Nathaniel did not escape the news of his return to the world. All the great forces of evil ( computer science lecturers ) gathered in the land of Iym-adildo waiting for the Final Battle of Iym-adildo. Nathaniel arrived in the evening - to be more precise - 7:15:35, just after his meal of milk and cookies. The Happy Band looked over the wilderness and Saint Andrew who is Fry uttered to the others "I'm a geddin outer here?" And hurried of to watch a re-run of 'Neighbours'. Nathaniel, stood strong and proud (as usual for him) and spake unto the evil clan "You bunch of s**ts" (which isn't usual) A great voice boomed out of the heavens "Oi, you! What do you think you are doing! Think you can go on without me do you? Think just because you can rise from the dead you can do anything you want. Well sonny, you've got it wrong mate! Take that!!" And so Nathaniel was smitten by the Hand from above and all that was left was a bowl of Coco-pops, half a potato and a pair of reserve persil white underwear. ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS +----------------+ I would like to thank: Andrew John Fry - the rendering of his idea Andrew J Fry - for the critisism Andy Fry - for the loads of typing Mr A.J. Fry - for the soft bed and hot coffee Mr A. Fry - for the story line Barbara Brookes - for her body (REVERBERATIONS) Mrs B. Brookes - for that interesting shade of pink Simon Anderson - for the tapes Paul Street - for the cups of coffee I didn't get Merlin - for the crop spraying Fred Caswell - thanks for being ancient Osmosis - thanks for your directory Lawrence Dark - for the pseudonym Doc Howells - Anybody? Are you with me? Carol Whitesmith - Your not ugly really GOD - For allowing us to use his quotes Nathaniel csd113 - Eat Coco-pops & be merry About the book -------------- The stuff epics are made of.. The Sun The epic of the century.. The Sunday Sport The stuff religions are made of.. The star I believe brother, I believe.. Rt Hon Arch Bishop of Canterbury The Pope is a Nazi.. The Rev Ian Paisley Er, what's it all about?? Nathaniel It changed my whole life! Rudolph Hess Actually, I read it without using the program etc etc.. Nathaniel The most awesome, inspiring, enlightening, exciting, wonderful, sex filled, violent sagas ever written.. The author It's alright I suppose.. GOD