THE DRINKERS FAULT FINDING CHART
                          
                          
     SYMPTOM                    FAULT                    REMEDIAL ACTION
                                                                        
Drinking fails to give    Mouth not open while    Buy another pint and practise
satisfaction and taste;   drinking or glass       in front of a mirror. Drink
shirt front wet.          being applied to        as many as necessary until
                          wrong part of face.     drinking technique is perfect
                                                                               
Drinking fails to give    Glass empty.            Find someone who will buy you
satisfaction and taste;                           another pint.
beer unusually pale and                          
clear.                                           
                                                 
Feet cold and wet.        Glass being held at     Turn glass the other way up
                          incorrect angle         so that the open end is
                                                  pointing toward the ceiling.
                                                                              
Feet WARM and wet.        Incorrect bladder       Go and stand next to the
                          control                 nearest dog, after a while
                                                  complain to the owner about
                                                  the lack of house training.
                                                  DEMAND a drink as
                                                  compensation
                                                              
Bar blurred               You are looking         Find someone who will buy you
                          through the bottom      another pint.
                          of your glass.         
                                                 
Bar swaying               Air turbulence is       Insert broom handle down back
                          extremely high -        of jacket.
                          may be due to a darts  
                          match in progress.     
                                                 
Bar moving                You are being carried   Find out if you're being
                          out.                    taken to another pub - If not
                                                  complain loudly that you're
                                                  being ambushed by the
                                                  Salvation Army.
                                                                 
You notice that the wall  You have fallen over.   If your glass if full, and
opposite is covered with                          no-one is standing on your
ceiling tiles and has a                           arm, stay put, if not get
flourescent light across                          someone to help you to the
it.                                               bar.
                                                      
Everything has gone dim,   You have fallen over   See above.
you have a mouthful of     forwards.             
dog-ends and broken teeth                        
                                                 
Everything has gone dark.  The pub is closing.    P A N I C ! ! !
                                                                 
You have woken up to find  You have spent the     Check your watch to see if it
your bed hard, cold, and   night in the gutter.   is opening time, if not treat
wet - you cannot see your                         yourself to a 'lie-in.'
bedroom walls or ceiling.