A.A.A.A.A.:  An organization for drunks who drive.
Absent:  Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed;
slandered.
Absentee:  A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove
himself from the sphere of exaction.
Abstainer:  A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
Absurdity:  A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own
opinion.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Accident:  A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
Accordion:  A bagpipe with pleats.
Accuracy:  The vice of being right.
Acting:  An art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing.
Admiration:  Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Adolescence:  The stage between puberty and adultery.
Adore:  To venerate expectantly.
Adult:  One old enough to know better.
Afternoon:  That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
Alliance:  In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their
hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately
plunder a third.
Alone:  In bad company.
Ambidextrous:  Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
Anoint:  To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently
slippery.
Antonym:  The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Armadillo:  To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle.
Ass:  The masculine of "lass".
Automobile:  A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians.
Baby:  An alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no sense of
responsibility at the other.
Bacchus:  A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
getting drunk.
Barometer:  An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.
Birth:  The first and direst of all disasters.
Bore:  A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
Bore:  Someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
Boy:  A noise with dirt on it.
Brain:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Brain, v.:  [as in "to brain"] To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to
dispel a source of error in an opponent.
Bride:  A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Broad-mindedness:  The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
Budget:  A method of worrying before you spend money, as well as afterward.
Cabbage:  A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
as a man's head.
California:  From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or "fornication."
Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
Camel:  A horse designed by committee.
Candidate:  A person who gets money from the rich and votes from the poor to
protect them from each other.
Celebrity:  A person who is known for his well-knownness.
Charity:  A thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
Christ:  A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Cigarette:  A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
Collaboration:  A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
Committee:  An animal with more than six legs and no brain.
Computer:  A machine dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
Conservative:  Someone too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
Consultant:  A person who is paid more money to tell you how to run your
business than you could possibly save, even if you did it right instead of
the way he tells you.
Consultants:  Mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
Conversation:  A vocal competition in which the one who is catching
his breath is called the listener.
Coronation:  The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
Corrupt:  In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
Coward:  One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Creche:  The result of bad driving in Kensington.
Critic:  A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries
to please him.
Culture:  The habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why.
Cynic:  A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Cynic:  One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
Dawn:  The time when men of reason go to bed.
Debate:  Something to help catch de fish.
Debugger:  De person who sold you de computer.
Deliberation:  The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it
is buttered on.
Diplomacy:  The art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Diplomat:  A man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
Diplomat:  Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
Distress:  A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.
Egotist:  A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me.
Electrocution:  Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Elephant:  A mouse with an operating system.
Etymology:  Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that
were hard for the public to believe.  The term 'etymology' was formed from
the Latin 'etus' ("eaten"), the root 'mal' ("bad"), and 'logy' ("study of").
It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow."
Expert:  A person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the
grand fallacy.
Expert:  From ex (has-been) and spurt (a drip under pressure).
Fairy Tale:  A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Faith:  The quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
Fidelity:  A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Forgetfulness:  A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for
their destitution of conscience.
Friends:  People who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
Frisbeetarianism:  The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
Frobnicate, v.:  To manipulate or adjust, to tweak.  Derived from FROBNITZ.
Usually abbreviated to FROB.  Thus one has the saying "to frob a frob".  See
TWEAK and TWIDDLE.  Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK sometimes connote points
along a continuum.  FROB connotes aimless manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross
manipulation, often a coarse search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes
fine-tuning.  If someone is turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's
carefully adjusting it he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it
but looking at the screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing
it because turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it.
Fubar:  Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition.
Garter:  An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
her stockings and desolating the country.
Genius:  The talent of a man who is dead.
Hand:  A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
Happiness:  An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another.
Hatred:  A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's superiority.
Heaven:  A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
expound your own.
Hermit:  A deserter from the army of humanity.
Hippogriff:  An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin.
The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle.  The
hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which is two
dollars and fifty cents in gold.  The study of zoology is full of surprises.
Honorable:  Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
Idiot:  A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
Impartial:  Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from
espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two
conflicting opinions.
Incumbent:  Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
Ingrate:  A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains
of indigestion.
Ink:  A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water,
chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual
crime.
Institute:  An archaic school where football is not taught.
Interpreter:  One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
Justice:  A decision in your favor.
Kin:  An affliction of the blood.
Kleptomaniac:  A rich thief.
Labor:  One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
LISP:  To call a spade a thpade.
Liar:  One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Liar:  A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liberal:  Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
Lie:  A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
Lunatic Asylum:  The place where optimism most flourishes.
Mad:  Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Magpie:  A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
that it might be taught to talk.
Majority:  That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Man:  An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief occupation
is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however,
multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable
earth and Canada.
Menu:  A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
Misfortune:  The kind of fortune that never misses.
Miss:  A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in the market.
Molecule:  The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter.  It is distinguished
from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a
closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of
matter.  The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the atom
in that it is an ion...
Monday:  In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
Mythology:  The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its
origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
November:  The eleventh twelfth of a weariness.
Nudists:  People who wear one-button suits.
Ocean:  A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made
for man -- who has no gills.
Once, adv.:  Enough.
Peace:  In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
Philosophy:  Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
Pig:  An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
in scope, for it balks at pig.
Politician:  From the Greek 'poly' ("many") and the French 'tete'
("head" or "face," as in 'tete-a-tete': head to head or face to face).
Hence 'polytetien', a person of two or more faces.
Positive:  Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
Professor:  One who talks in someone else's sleep.
Programmer:  A person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of being
able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precision from vague
assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents and
carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious
reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and
confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to
ask for the information in the first place.
Puritan:  Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having fun.
Reading:  Thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Real World, The (n.) 1: The place generally used when referring to
non-programming activities. 2: Where a computer science student goes after
graduation; used pejoratively ("poor slob, he got his degree and had to go
out into THE REAL WORLD").  Among programmers, discussing someone in
residence there is not unlike talking about a deceased person.
Saxaphone:  An ill wind that nobody blows good.
Seminars:  From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
Slang:  Language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes to work.
Snafu:  Situation normal - all fucked up.
Software:  Formal evening attire for female computer analysts.
Subtlety:  The art of saying what you think and getting out of the way
before it is understood.
Tact:  The art of making a point without making an enemy.
Truthful:  Dumb and illiterate.
University:  Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
User n.:  A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
Volcano:  A mountain with hiccups.
Water:  An excellent drink if taken in the right spirit.
Winter:  The season in which people try to keep the house as warm as it was
in the summer, when they complained about the heat.
Wit:  The salt with which the American humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
Year:  A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary:
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Corollary:
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
study for that instructor's course.
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
    first two laws.
Arthur's Laws of Love:
1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
    remind them of someone else.
2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
    be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
    of yourself in person.
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician.
Baruch's Observation:
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
Barth's Distinction:
There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
Beifeld's Principle:
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
a better looking and richer male friend.
First Law of Bicycling:
No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
Boling's Postulate:
If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
Boren's Laws:
1)  When in charge, ponder.
2)  When in trouble, delegate.
3)  When in doubt, mumble.
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
Brook's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
Bucy's Law:
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
will pick the wrong one.
Corollary:
If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
wrong, anyway.
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Clarke's Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced technology in indistinguishable from magic.
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
population is growing.
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary:
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
Laws of Computer Programming:
1.  Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2.  Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3.  If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4.  If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5.  Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6.  The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output.
7.  Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
    the programmer who must maintain it.
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
43rd Law of Computing:
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.
This person must be fired.
Rule of Creative Research:
1) Never draw what you can copy.
2) Never copy what you can trace.
3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
Rule of Defactualization:
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
DeVries' Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
Law of Probable Dispersal:
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Drew's Law of Highway Biology:
The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front
of your eyes.
Ducharm's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
Ehrman's Commentary:
1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
2.  Who said things would get better?
Emersons' Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we
can.  Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Corollaries:
1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
    don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
Flon's Law:
There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is
the least bit difficult to write bad programs.
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
    straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
    force is technically termed "car suck").
2)  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
    than "Watch this!"
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
Gilb's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some useful work done.
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1.  You can't win.
2.  You can't break even.
3.  You can't even quit the game.
Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:
Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem meaningful
is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's Theorem.  To wit:
1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even.
3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game.
The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences:
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
Goldenstern's Rules:
1.  Always hire a rich attorney.
2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
Gray's Law of Programming:
n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as '_
n' tasks.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as '_
n' trivial tasks.
Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
Grelb's Reminder:
Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
average drivers.
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
stupidity.
Harris' Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law:
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Harvard Law:
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Heller's Law:
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Johnson's Corollary to Heller's Law:
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the organisation.
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each other.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
out.
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to.....to........uh..............
Imhoff's Law:
The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic
tank - the really big chunks always rise to the top.
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
Issawi's Laws of Progress:
The Course of Progress:
Most things get steadily worse.
The Path of Progress:
A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
Jenkinson's Law:
It won't work.
Johnson's First Law:
When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
most inconvenient possible time.
Canada Bill Jones' Motto:
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Supplement:
A .44 magnum beats four aces.
Jones' Motto:
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Jones' First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
importance of their original contribution.
Jones' Second Law:
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
to blame it on.
Katz' Law:
Man and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
The Kennedy Constant:
Don't get mad -- get even.
Kinkler's First Law:
Responsibility always exceeds authority.
Kinkler's Second Law:
All the easy problems have been solved.
Lackland's Laws:
1.  Never be first.
2.  Never be last.
3.  Never volunteer for anything.
Langsam's Laws:
1) Everything depends.
2) Nothing is always.
3) Everything is sometimes.
Law of fives ( Adam Weishaupt, 1776):
Every occurence is related to the number five, and this relation can always
be proven.
Lieberman's Law:
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Leibowitz's Rule:
When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you
hold the hammer with both hands.
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not $19.95.
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
Corollaries:
1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
    50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
    obtain a correspondence with the theory.
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Malek's Law:
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
H. L. Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
cork makes when it is popped.
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
can never hope to acquire it.
Meskimen's Law:
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
do it over.
Miksch's Law:
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
held to discuss it.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
Murphy's Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
Oliver's Law:
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Osborn's Law:
Constants aren't; variables won't.
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
Arnold's Addendum to Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats.
Parker's Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
Parkinson's Fourth Law:
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Paul's First Law:
You can't fall off the floor.
Paul's Second Law:
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
bread to butter.
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
The Peter Principle:
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency.
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
Pohl's law:
Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it.
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
First Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
imposed the deadline).
Second Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
Putt's Law:
Technology is dominated by two types of people:
    Those who understand what they do not manage.
    Those who manage what they do not understand.
Ray's Rule of Precision:
Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
Fourth Law of Revision:
It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences --
if you have none, someone will make one for you.
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.
The Roman Rule:
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the
one who is doing it.
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
do it every time.
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
Scott's First Law:
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Scott's Second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible
to fit the original quantity back into the equation.
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jenning's Corollary:
The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
Serocki's Stricture:
Marriage is always a bachelor's last option.
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Simon's Law:
Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
should have gotten.
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3)  There are two types of dirt:  the dark kind, which is
    attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
    attracted to dark objects.
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is
bound to occur.
Snafu principle:
Communication is only possible among equals.
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
question back at him.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming:
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.
Sturgeon's Law:
90% of everything is crap.
Swipple's Rule of Order:
He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
The Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
The first law: 
You can't get anything without working for it.
The second law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The third law:  You can only break even at absolute zero.
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
Tussman's Law:
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
Vail's Second Axiom:
The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
amount of work already completed.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
Watson's Law:
The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
number and significance of any persons watching it.
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then
the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross references.
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
A mathematician named Ben
Often wanted some function of _
If it couldn't be done,
He'd try _
n - 1,
And do it again and again!
There was a young Lisper from Forth,
Who wanted to visit the North.
So he rode o'er the earth
And the bridge o'er the firth
On his jauntily galloping horth.
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle:
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
And that's not saying much for the turtle.
An insect was heard to complain,
That a chemist had damaged his brain.
The cause of his sorrow
Was paradichloro-
Diphenyltrichloroethane.
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
An eager young poet from China
Had a feeling for rhythm much finer;
His poems would tend
To come to an end
Suddenly.
There was a young man from Peru
Whose limericks would end at line two.
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the m"
obius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
There was a young man from Hong Kong,
Who composed a most marvellous song.
The tune that he wrote
Was all on one note --
But it sounded just great on a gong.
When they catch a chinchilla in Chile,
They shave off its beard, willy-nilly,
With a very small blade,
Just to say that they've made
A Chilean chinchilla's chin chilly.
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented,
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
A dozen, a gross, and a score,
Plus three times the square root of four,
Divided by seven,
Plus five times eleven,
Equals nine squared plus zero, no more.
There once was a girl named Irene
Who lived on distilled kerosene
But she started absorbin'
A new hydrocarbon
And since then has never benzene.
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
Limericks are art forms complex;
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
They usually have virgins,
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
There once was an old man from Ealing,
Who had an expectorant feeling:
But a sign on the door
Said "Don't spit on the floor" -
So he looked up and spat on the ceiling.
Another Glitch in the Call
------- ------ -- --- ----
(Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
We don't need no indirection
We don't need no flow control
No data typing or declarations
Did you leave the lists alone?
Hey!  Hacker!  Leave those lists alone!
Chorus:
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
"You are old, Father William," the young man said,
"All your papers these days look the same;
Those William's would be better unread --
Do these facts never fill you with shame?"
"In my youth," Father William replied to his son,
"I wrote wonderful papers galore;
But the great reputation I found that I'd won,
Made it pointless to think any more."
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And make errors few people could bear;
You complain about everyone's English but yours --
Do you really think this is quite fair?"
"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared,
"But my stature these days is so great
That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared,
And to stop me it's now far too late."
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
And there isn't one language you like;
Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none --
Have you thought about taking a hike?"
"Since I never write programs," his father replied,
"Every language looks equally bad;
Yet the people keep paying to read all my books
And don't realize that they've been had."
"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
That your lectures bore people to death.
Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year --
Don't you think that you should save your breath?"
"I have answered three questions and that is enough,"
Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!"
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
It knows that one cannot relax
Because the paging thrashes!
Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
I speak severely to my VAX,
and boot it when it crashes;
In spite of all my favorite hacks
My jobs it always thrashes!
Wow!  Wow!  Wow!
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
I think that I shall never see
A billboard lovely as a tree.
Perhaps, unless the billboards fall
I'll never see a tree at all.
I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
-- Gilbert and Sullivan "The Pirates of Penzance"
Oh don't the days seem lank and long
When all goes right and none goes wrong,
And isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!
The rain it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust fella,
But chiefly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella.
Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes
Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn;
Less dear than army ants in apple pies
Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn,
Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit;
Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose
They suck, and like the double-breasted suit
Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose,
Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed;
And stem the produce of thy waspish wits:
Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed;
Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits.
Be off, I say; go bug somebody new,
Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you.
Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night,
God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light.
It did not last; the devil howling "Ho!
Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo.
INVENTORY
Four be the things I am wiser to know:
Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
Four be the things I'd been better without:
Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
Three be the things I shall never attain:
Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
Three be the things I shall have till I die:
Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
Upon some stars bestowed her name.
But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.
Come, let us hasten to a higher plane,
Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn,
Their indices bedecked from one to _
Commingled in an endless Markov chain!
Come, every frustum longs to be a cone,
And every vector dreams of matrices.
Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze:
It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space
Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways.
Our symptotes no longer out of phase,
We shall encounter, counting, face to face.
I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
And in our bound partition never part.
Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain?
Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes,
A root or two, a torus and a node:
The inverse of my verse, a null domain.
I see the eigenvalue in thine eye,
I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh.
Bernoulli would have been content to die
Had he but known such _
a-squared cos 2(thi)!
Roses are red,
   Violets are blue.
Some poems rhyme --
   But this one doesn't even scan properly.
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
And men were really obnoxious...
Eleanor Rigby --
Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen;
Lives in a dream;
Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE
Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs! See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!
100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.
"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
Hark,Hark,the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens.
From "The thirteen clocks"
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break, 
And, no one rob me till I awake.
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
    And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
    And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
    Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
    And I wish I'd never met him.
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
    And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
    And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
    As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
    And I wish he were in Asia.
My love runs by like a day in June,
    And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
    In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
    Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
    And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
Once Law was sitting on the bench
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."
Then Justice came.  His Honor cried:
"YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
-- Hilaire Belloc
How doth the little crocodile
    Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
    On every golden scale!
How cheerfully he seems to grin,
    How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
    With gently smiling jaws!
-- Lewis Carrol
Speak roughly to your little boy,
    And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
    Because he knows it teases.
Wow! wow! wow!
I speak severely to my boy,
    And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
    The pepper when he pleases!
Wow! wow! wow!
-- Lewis Carrol
Il brilgue: les t^
oves lubricillieux
    Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^
es sont les gougebosqueux,
    Et le m^
omerade horgrave.
Es brilig war.
Die schlichte Toven
    Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"
umsige Burggoven
    Dir mohmen R"
ath ausgraben.
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
    "And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
    Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
    "I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
    Why, I do it again and again."
-- Lewis Carrol
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
    And have grown most uncommonly fat;
Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
    Pray what is the reason of that?"
"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks,
    "I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
    Allow me to sell you a couple?"
-- Lewis Carrol
"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak
    For anything tougher than suet;
Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
    Pray, how did you manage to do it?"
"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law,
    And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
    Has lasted the rest of my life."
-- Lewis Carrol
"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose
    That your eye was as steady as ever;
Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
    What made you so awfully clever?"
"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
    Said his father.  "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
    Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
-- Lewis Carrol
The sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his very best to make
The billows smooth and bright --
And this was very odd, because it was
The middle of the night.
-- Lewis Carroll
I sent a letter to the fish,
I told them, "This is what I wish."
The little fishes of the sea,
They sent an answer back to me.
The little fishes' answer was
"We cannot do it, sir, because..."
I sent a letter back to say
It would be better to obey.
But someone came to me and said
"The little fishes are in bed."
I said to him, and I said it plain
"Then you must wake them up again."
I said it very loud and clear,
I went and shouted in his ear.
But he was very stiff and proud,
He said "You needn't shout so loud."
And he was very proud and stiff,
He said "I'll go and wake them if..."
I took a kettle from the shelf,
I went to wake them up myself.
But when I found the door was locked
I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked,
And when I found the door was shut,
I tried to turn the handle, But...
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
-- Lewis Carrol
Oh, when I was in love with you,
    Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
    How well did I behave.
And now the fancy passes by,
    And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
    Am quite myself again.
-- A. E. Housman
This is for all ill-treated fellows
Unborn and unbegot,
For them to read when they're in trouble
And I am not.
-- A. E. Housman
"Terence, this is stupid stuff:
You eat your victuals fast enough;
There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear,
To see the rate you drink your beer.
But oh, good Lord, the verse you make,
It gives a chap the belly-ache.
The cow, the old cow, she is dead;
It sleeps well the horned head:
We poor lads, 'tis our turn now
To hear such tunes as killed the cow.
Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme
Your friends to death before their time.
Moping, melancholy mad:
Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad."
-- A. E. Housman
...And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
        -- A. E. Housman
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.
-- A. E. Housman
Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
Angels we have heard on High
Tell us to go out and Buy.
-- Tom Lehrer
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short.  Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.
-- Stanislaw Lem
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-- Ogden Nash
"Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
-- Ogden Nash
The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher,
Were each of them once a kiddie.
A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature.
Do I want one?  God Forbiddie!
-- Ogden Nash
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,
And that's what parents were created for.
-- Ogden Nash
Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
Did you ever try buying them without money?
-- Ogden Nash
There's little in taking or giving,
    There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
    Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
    The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
    And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the provence of cattle,
    And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
    Would you kindly direct me to hell?
-- Dorothy Parker
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
-- Dorothy Parker
THEORY
Into love and out again,
    Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
    Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
    All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
    Someone dropped me on my head?
-- Dorothy Parker
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
-- Dorothy Parker
Here in my heart, I am Helen;
    I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least.
I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"
    I'm Salome, moon of the East.
Here in my soul I am Sappho;
    Lady Hamilton am I, as well.
In me R'
ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea,
    With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell.
I'm all of the glamorous ladies
    At whose beckoning history shook.
But you are a man, and see only my pan,
    So I stay at home with a book.
-- Dorothy Parker
FIGHTING WORDS
Say my love is easy had,
    Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
Say I am too often sad --
    Still behold me at your side.
Say I'm neither brave nor young,
    Say I woo and coddle care,
Say the devil touched my tongue --
    Still you have my heart to wear.
But say my verses do not scan,
    And I get me another man!
-- Dorothy Parker
COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
-- Dorothy Parker
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
The subject engaging them was she.
"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks
That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!"
As soon as no more of it she could hear
The lady, indignant, removed her ear.
"I will not stay," she said with a pout,
"To hear my character lied about!"
-- Gopete Sherany
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
--Maxwell Smart
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
-- Frederick Winsor
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-three million miles is an
utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life
forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches
are a pretty neat idea...
-- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to
point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very
fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are
often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people
from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B
that so many people from point B are so keen to get _
e.  They often
wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell
they wanted to be.
-- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no
account be allowed to do the job.
-- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
-- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the
Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be
replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.  There is another
theory which states that this has already happened.
-- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Space is big.  Really big.  You just won't believe how vastly, hugely,
mind-bogglingly big it is.  I mean, you may think it's a long way down
the road to the chemist's, but that's just peanuts to space.
-- Douglas Adams "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
-- Kehlog Albran
Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations.
He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the
Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an
open market.
If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he
should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself.
Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree.
Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg.
Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower.
-- Kehlog Albran
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
And he answered:
It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence.
It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs.
It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City
to City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns
have come to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness.
And that is Fate?  said the priest.
Fate... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master.
That's all right, said the priest.  I wanted to know what Freight
was too.
-- Kehlog Albran
"It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is
lightly greased."
-- Kehlog Albran
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
-- Kehlog Albran
"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral."
-- Kehlog Albran
"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day.  Perhaps
I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it.  I
don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and
the signature (which I guessed at).  There's a singular and a perpetual
charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its
novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but
yours are kept forever -- unread.  One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime."
-- Thomas Aldrich
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-- Fred Allen
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
-- Woody Allen
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
-- Woody Allen.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-- Noelie Altito
I do not fear computers.  I fear the lack of them.
-- Isaac Asimov
United Nations, New York, December 25.  The peace and joy of the Christmas
season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
forces of the world.  Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
every persuasion.
   Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
world.
-- Isaac Asimov
Die?  I should say not, dear fellow.  No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him.
-- John Barrymore's dying words
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
-- Peter S. Beagle
"Earth is a great funhouse without the fun."
-- Jeff Berner
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is
thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have
drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.
-- Ambrose Bierce
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
last resort of the scoundrel.  With all due respect to an enlightened
but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
-- Ambrose Bierce
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
-- Ambrose Bierce
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Reporter: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with
a tempest of words.
-- Ambrose Bierce
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Acquaintance: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not
well enough to lend to.
-- Ambrose Bierce
...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
and were a scourge to mankind.  The evidence (including confession)
upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable.  The judges' decisions based
on it were sound in logic and in law.  Nothing in any existing court
was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
sorcery for which so many suffered death.  If there were no witches,
human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Wernher von Braun
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
-- Bertold Brecht
"Grub first, then ethics."
-- Bertold Brecht
"Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune
to bullets."
-- The Brigadier, from Dr. Who
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
-- Bellamy Brooks
"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't."
-- Dagwood Bumstead
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
otherwise.'"
-- Lewis Carrol
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said.
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously.  "Of course you don't --
till I tell you.  I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
objected.
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
-- Lewis Carrol
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be,
and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!"
-- Lewis Carroll
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
-- Lewis Carrol
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
-- Reverend Chichester
"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into
the smallest amount of thoughts."
-- Winston Churchill
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce."
-- Winston Churchill
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
-- John Ciardi
A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I.  I
believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
Rotten wood can not be carved.
-- Confucius "Analects" Book 5, Ch. 9
Business will be either better or worse.
-- Calvin Coolidge
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
-- Clarence Darrow
"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell
into the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him
out again, it would be a calamity."
-- Benjamin Disraeli
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics.
-- Benjamin Disraeli
Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.]
-- Aelius Donatus
The past always looks better than it was.  It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
-- Albert Einstein
"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but
World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."
-- Albert Einstein
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
-- Albert Einstein
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
-- Albert Einstein
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
-- Ralph Emerson
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-- Marguerite Emmons
Maturity is only a short break in adolescence.
-- Jules Feiffer
"Pascal is not a high-level language."
-- Steven Feiner
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a buzz-saw."
-- W. C. Fields
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
-- W.C. Fields
If at first you don't succeed, try again.  Then give up, 'cos it's no
use making a damned fool of yourself.
-- W. C. Fields
Anyone who hates dogs and kids can't be all bad.
-- W. C. Fields
Hey!  Who took the cork off my lunch??!
-- W. C. Fields
Show me a man who laughs at defeat, and I'll show you a black chiropodist
with a sense of humour.
-- Norman Stanley Fletcher
"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop.  "What! no soap?"  So he died, and she very
imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies,
and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top,
and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
-- Samuel Foote
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor,
to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread.
-- Anatole France
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
-- Milton Friedman
Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the opposite.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what
is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
-- R. Geis
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.
-- R. Geis
"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars."
-- J. Paul Getty
"Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse."
-- William Gilbert
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.
What's in that pipe that he's smoking?
-- Arlo Guthrie
"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity
that would be clearly understood."
-- Alexander Haig
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
-- Salvor Hardin
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-- Hawkwind
Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some
people have mediocrity thrust upon them.
-- Joseph Heller
Religious ceremonies are unholy.
-- Heraclitus
An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose.
-- A. P. Herbert
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D. J. Hicks
"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more."
-- Bill Hoest
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-- Eric Hoffer
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
-- Herbert Hoover
Justice is incidental to law and order.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Die:  To stop sinning suddenly.
-- Elbert Hubbard
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
-- Henrick Ibson
Advertisement:  The most truthful part of a newspaper.
-- Thomas Jefferson
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him.  Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
-- Samuel Johnson
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake when
you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
-- Peggy Joyce
Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D.  He was a pagan, and
he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until about his 35th
year, when he became a Christian ....  To him is ascribed the sublime
confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe because it is absurd).  This
does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
"And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because it is
absurd.  And buried he rose again, which is certain because it is
impossible."
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-- C. G. Jung "Psychological Types"
(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
-- Alfred Kahn
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
-- Howard Kandel
HE:  Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE:  What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
-- Walt Kelly
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-- Walt Kelly
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
-- Walt Kelly
"Now is the time for all good men to come to."
-- Walt Kelly
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
-- Henry Kissinger
When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
clarified your attitude toward him.  You have given a definite answer
to a definite problem.  For better or worse you have acted decisively.
In a way, the next move is up to him.
-- R. A. Lafferty
"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to."
-- Gypsy Rose Lee
Sometimes I think life is passing me by.  Just think -- when Mozart was my
age, he'd been dead two years!
-- Tom Lehrer
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Glipkerio Kistomerces.  Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
"Now about Lankhmar.  She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one
-- and equipped with all modern weapons.  Yet you can save the city."
  "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
  Ningauble shrugged.  "You're a hero.  You should know."
-- Fritz Leiber "The Swords of Lankhmar"
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they  put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
-- Stanislaw Lem
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade....
-- Stanislaw Lem
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
-- Jerome Lettvin
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
-- Bruce Leverett
   "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers"
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
discotheques.
-- Art Linkletter
The world's as ugly as sin, and almost as delightful.
-- Frederick Locker-Lampson
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business but --" is to place a period after the word "but".
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
-- Lazarus Long
Yield to Temptation -- it may not pass your way again.
-- Lazarus Long
Waking someone unnecessarily should not be considered a capital crime --
at least not for a first offence.
-- Lazarus Long
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
-- Lazarus Long
Money is truthful; if a man speaks of his honour, make him pay cash.
-- Lazarus Long
Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind
the tree."
-- Russell Long
"Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle."
-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
"I am not an Economist.  I am an honest man!"
-- Paul McCracken
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to eat.
-- John McNulty
"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!"
-- Macy's
"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as
we could with both of them."
-- Major Major's father
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx
It says here that this can be operated by a five year old child.  Will someone
run and fetch me a five year old child?
-- Groucho Marx
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
-- Andrew W. Mathis
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair.  And my advice to you is to
have nothing whatever to do with it.
-- W. Somerset Maugham
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledegook than the rest of the
world put together.
-- Sir Peter Medawar
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
Democracy is also a form of worship.  It is the worship of Jackals by
Jackasses.
-- H. L. Mencken
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
-- H. L. Mencken
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
-- H. L. Mencken
For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong.
-- H. L. Mencken
"Please try to limit the amount of `this room doesn't have any
bazingas' until you are told that those rooms are `punched out.'  Once
punched out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing
bazingas, and such."
-- N. Meyrowitz
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes.
-- Mickey Mouse
Chicken Soup:  An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of
aureomycin, cocaine, interferon, and TLC.  The only ailment chicken
soup can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother.
-- Arthur Naiman
There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
this?
Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _
can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
-- Arthur Naiman
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
-- Arthur Naiman
Gay shlafen:  Yiddish for "go to sleep".
Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound
than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"?  Listen to the difference:
"Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling."
Obvious, isn't it?
Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start
speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as
long as you live.  This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all
your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and
so on, but that's just the point.  It has to start with committed
individuals and then grow....
Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those
signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when
everything is written in Yiddish.  And we'll have to start driving on
the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs
backwards.  But is that too high a price to pay for world peace?  I
think not, my friend, I think not.
-- Arthur Naiman
"God gives burdens; also shoulders"
Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech
at the end of the 1980 election.  At least he said it was a Jewish
saying; I can't find it anywhere.  I'm sure he's telling the truth
though; why would he lie about a thing like that?
-- Arthur Naiman
Goy: ... The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle,
as the following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates:
"I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.
Eddie Cantor's goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is
Jewish.  Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous.
"Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are goyish.
Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish.
Macaroons are _
y Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is
goyish.  Lime soda is _
y goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that
Jews won't go near them..."
-- Arthur Naiman
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "_
y has to buy
retail."
-- Arthur Naiman
Half-done:  This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's
still crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor.  The difference
between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like
the the difference between life and death.
You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill
there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the
airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough
Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on
Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk
about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop.  Say to the
man, "Let me have a nice half-done."
Worth the trouble, wasn't it?
-- Arthur Naiman
A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
"No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
"But the collar is up around my ears!"
"It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little...no, a little
more...that's it."
"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
-- Arthur Naiman
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
Chile.  Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
pictures.  One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
military installation.  In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
Esther and hustle them off to prison.
They can't prove who they are because they've left their
passports in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day
and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
movement..  Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
they'll be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
if they have any lasts requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call
her daughter in Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
possible, and turns to Murray.
"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.
"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
-- Arthur Naiman
Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.
A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagog
functionaries, and there's a joke about that:
A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the
middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"  The cantor, not to be
bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I
am nobody!"  The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks
he's nobody!"
-- Arthur Naiman
People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who
haven't what they want that they don't want it.
-- Ogden Nash
Too clever is dumb.
-- Ogden Nash
"I drink to make other people interesting."
-- George Jean Nathan
Crime does not pay...as well as politics.
-- A. E. Newman
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
-- Richard Nixon
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
-- John O'Hara
He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry
attacks democracy itself.
-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS ( Conservative Bavarian Seers )
"This isn't right.  This isn't even wrong."
-- Wolfgang Pauli on a paper submitted by a physicist colleague
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
-- Alan Perlis
You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on
the continuing viability of Fortran.
-- Alan Perlis
A Lisp programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of nothing.
-- Alan Perlis
The computing field is always in need of new cliches.
-- Alan Perlis
It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to
program.  What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in
organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be
self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
-- Pogo
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied harder.
-- Pope John Paul I
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together.
-- Herbert Prochnow
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
-- Don Quinn
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
was propounded to me by my father:
    "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
    I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
    "A herring," said my father.
    "A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
    "So hang it there."
    "But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
    "Paint it."
    "But a herring isn't wet."
    "If it's just painted it's still wet."
    "But -- ", I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
    "Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
-- Leo Rosten
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
-- La Rouchefoucauld
Nothing is true. Everything is permissible.
-- Hasan i Sabah, 1090 A.D.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
-- J. D. Salinger
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
Good-bye.  I am leaving because I am bored.
-- George Saunders' dying words
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if
you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
-- Dolph Sharp
Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than
being flat broke and having a stomach ache.
-- Dolph Sharp
A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
superstition, and art into pedantry.  Hence University education.
-- George Bernard Shaw
When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most
insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are
required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and
exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.
-- George Bernard Shaw
NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
will be right.
-- George Bernard Shaw
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
-- George Bernard Shaw
Immortality -- a fate worse than death.
-- Edgar A. Shoaff
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
-- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for
lists of "Ten Best".
-- H. Allen Smith
Never ask a man whether he comes from Yorkshire.  If he does, he will already
have told you.  If he doesn't, there's no point in humiliating him.
-- Sidney Smith
Yesterday I was a dog.  Today I'm a dog.  Tomorrow I'll probably still
be a dog.  Sigh!  There's so little hope for advancement.
-- Snoopy
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-- Senator Soaper
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard.
-- Prof. Steiner
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
-- Adlai Stevenson
A woman's place is in the wrong.
-- James Thurber
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
-- Lily Tomlin
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin
Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man.
-- Trotsky
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S Truman
      THE STORY OF CREATION
       or
 THE MYTH OF URK
In the beginning there was data.  The data was without form and null,
and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
was moving over the face of the market.  And DEC said, "Let there be
registers"; and there were registers.  And DEC saw that they carried;
and DEC separated the data from the instructions.  DEC called the data
Stack, and the instructions they called Code.  And there was evening
and there was morning, one interrupt...
-- Rico Tudor
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
"When in doubt, tell the truth."
-- Mark Twain
"When in doubt, book 'em."
-- Steve McGarret, Hawaii Five-O
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral?  It is
because we are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain
Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
There is something fascinating about science.  One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
"He is now rising from affluence to poverty."
-- Mark Twain
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
-- Mark Twain
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
-- Mark Twain
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws,
But get thee to a nunnery -- go!
-- Mark Twain
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite picturesque liar."
-- Mark Twain
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did.  I said I
didn't know.
-- Mark Twain
"...all the modern inconveniences..."
-- Mark Twain
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
-- Mark Twain
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board.
-- Mark Twain
It is not enough to succeed.  Others must fail.
-- Gore Vidal
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a
pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the
sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
-- Voltaire
The superfluous is very necessary.
-- Voltaire
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
-- Voltaire
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense
from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
-- Joe Walsh
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-- Mae West.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-- Mae West
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
-- Dr. Who
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
-- Oscar Wilde
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
-- Oscar Wilde
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
-- Oscar Wilde
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
"Why was I born with such contemporaries?"
-- Oscar Wilde
"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the
other is to read Pope."
-- Oscar Wilde
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
-- Oscar Wilde
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
-- Oscar Wilde
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
-- Earl Wilson
Nothing recedes like success.
-- Walter Winchell
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
-- Frank Lloyd Wright
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
-- Andrew Young
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
-- Frank Zappa
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side,
and it holds the universe together....
-- Carl Zwanzig
Major Premise:  Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
quickly as one man.
Minor Premise:  One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
therefore --
Conclusion:  Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
Magnet, n.:  Something acted upon by magnetism.
Magnetism, n.:  Something acting upon a magnet.
The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from
the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
human knowledge.
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic.  A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation....A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger object.
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity
of your action.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.
The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
For a good time, call 642-9483.
AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!!
You brute!  Knock before entering a ladies room!
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
-- F. Flintstone
God is Dead.
-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead.
-- God
Nietzsche is God.
-- Dead
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.
Census Taker to Housewife:  Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
Help!  I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts.
Sex is not the answer.
Sex is the question.  "Yes" is the answer.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
This fortune cookie program out of order.  For those in desperate need,
please use the program "randchar".  This program generates random
characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with
something profound.  It will, however, take it no time at all to be
more profound than THIS program has ever been.
This fortune intentionally not included.
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist.  But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the scientific
mind.  The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact wholly unconcerned
with what _
s exist.  Indeed, the banality of existence has been so amply
demonstrated, there is no need for us to discuss it any further here.  The
brilliant Cerebron, attacking the problem analytically, discovered three
distinct kinds of dragon: the mythical, the chimerical, and the purely
hypothetical.  They were all, one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted
in an entirely different way......
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
Look out!  Behind you!
Nothing is true. Everything is permissible.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
ROMEO:  Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO:  No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering voice.
"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can.  The letters are Elvish, of course,
of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which I will not
utter here.  They are lines of a verse long known in Elven-lore:
"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
-- Su Tung-p'o
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm
the only ashtray."
Keep your Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now....try to get something DONE!
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
1)  They all had moderate appetites.
2)  They all came from middle class homes.
3)  All but two of them were dead.
Fats Loves Madelyn.
We really don't have any enemies.  It's just that some of our best friends
are trying to kill us.
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as Wheels.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow.  Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
God made the world in six days, and spent the seventh debugging.
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Please ignore previous fortune.
Are we not men?
Please take note:
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law.
Violators will be prosecuted.
(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
Children seldom misquote you.  In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
Who needs companionship when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar.  The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
Did you know....
That no-one ever reads these things?
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called
Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that
were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST..."
... But among the children of the Great Society there were those
whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of
the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION
$3,000,000
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
77.  HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7)
This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8)
boredom.  Your programs always bomb off.  Your wife
------- (7)
smells bad.  Your children have hives.  You are working
---O--- (6)
on an accounting system, when you want to develop
---X--- (9)
the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER.  You give up hot dates
--- --- (8)
to nurse sick computers.  What you need now is sex.
Nine in the second place means:
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop.  Misfortune.
Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal
Revenue Service.  Great Dragons!  Are you in trouble!
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth).  Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice.  If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
Computers are not intelligent.  They only think they are.
Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Those who can, do.  Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Surprise!  You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit!  Just type
in your name and social security number.  Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
Name
You might have mail.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes..."
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
-- Yiddish saying
Waiter:
"Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas.  Which one asked for the clean glass?"
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
"Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
The men sat sipping their tea in silence.  After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
     "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other.  "Why?"
     "How should I know?  What am I, a philosopher?"
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a change.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets.
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot today.
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the
first and last month in advance.
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
Half Moon tonight.  (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior executive.
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving
to a new town.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough to worry.
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails.
Tonight's the night:  Sleep in a eucalyptus trees.
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has
been discontinued.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Vote anarchist.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
Old professors never die, they only lose their faculties.
Old fishermen never die, they only smell like it.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily cancelled.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
Condense soup, not books!
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
Hire the morally handicapped.
I can resist anything but temptation.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
    Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
"All flesh is grass"
    -- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
George Orwell was an optimist.
Chicken Little was right.
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Dallas still lives.  God _
t be dead.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
Brain fried -- Core dumped.
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
A diva who specializes in risqu'
e arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned
away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Down with categorical imperative!
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
Things are more like they used to be than they are new.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Lysistrata had a good idea.
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale.
Familiarity breeds attempt.
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk
with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh.  They then point
with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their
habits, but in spite of them.  The reason we find only robust persons doing
this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
God is a polytheist.
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Diet."
"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
"That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all."
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters picnic.
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
"We don't care.  We don't have to.  We're the Phone Company."
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.
You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
Angeles.  Do you understand this?  And radio operates exactly
the same way:  you send signals here, they receive them there.
The only difference is that there is no cat.
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels."
-- A Chinese child
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere."
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
Hindsight is an exact science.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
"The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out."
Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will find at
least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on the computer.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
BLISS is ignorance.
Hi! How are things going?  
(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
(one more than the first one?)
Yes.
(you already asked that...)
[at this point, Alphonso gets smart...
May I ask two questions, sir?
(no.)
May I ask ONE then?
(nope...)
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
(you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for the
 number of questions you have asked, then ask for that number
 plus two (one for the current question, and one for the next one))
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
(go right ahead...)
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)
  Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie
36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water
 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar
 2 tablespoons lemon juice
  Grated rind of one lemon
   Butter or margarine
  Cinnamon
Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate.  Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate.  Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes.  Add lemon
juice and rind.  Cool.  Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon.  Cover with top
crust.  Trim and flute edges together.  Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape.  Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden.  Serve warm.  Cut into 6 to 8 slices.
-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh.
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
themselves cleverer than we are.
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click".
There's one fool at least in every married couple.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue."
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
advantage of them.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
to go through hell to get it.
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Love is sentimental measles.
Life is like an onion:  you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us sane."
If it wasn't for Venetian blinds, it would be curtains for the whole world.
Famous last words:
Don't worry, I can handle it.
You and what army?
If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be a cop.
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
in kernel as it is in user!
Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
the light comes on.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.
You lie a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be
careless and impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over
and over again.  People think you are stupid.
PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being
followed by the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your
associates and people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack
confidence and you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible
things to small animals.
ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You
are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not
very nice.
TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged
determination and work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn
and bull headed.  You are a Communist.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you
because you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much
for too little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for
committing incest.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's
problems.  They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things
off.  That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
recipients are Cancer people.
LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are
pushy.  Most Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest
criticism.  Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for
employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are
prostitutes.  All Libra people die of venereal disease.
SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will
achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
Most Scorpio people are murdered.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of
Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a
great deal.
CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do
much of anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb in
San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was.
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
about whose profession was the oldest.  In the course of their arguments,
they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor
said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was
made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible
surgical feat."
The architect did not agree.  He said, "But if you look at the
Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
that, the Garden and the world were created.  So God must have been an
architect."
The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
Anarchy may not be a better form of government, but it's better than no
government at all.  
UNIX is a trademark of Bell Laboratories.
23. ... r-q1
2b || !2b == ?
: is not an identifier.
A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
A good memory does not justify pale ink.
A king's castle is his home.
All that glisters has a high refractive index.
Bill Stickers is, and always has been, innocent.
By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail.
fortune: /usr/games/lib/fortunes.dat: cannot open.
Don't go!  I was just about to explain f77 to you.
Every purchase has its price.
Everything you know is wrong.
Honi soit la vache qui rit.
Segmentation fault -- mos dumped.
If you're looking for happiness, you won't find it in Vol. 2a.
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
Laugh, and the world ignores you.  Crying doesn't help much, either.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Let not the sands of time get into your lunch.
Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.
Man who fall in vat of molten optical glass make spectacle of self.
Many pages make a thick book.
May the blue bird of happiness twiddle your bits.
Memory fault -- where am I?
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
My mind's made up!  Don't confuse me with the facts.
Old Macdonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.
The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again.
Troglodytism doesn't necessarily imply a low cultural level.
You are in a maze of twisty little passages, all alike.
Live every day as if it were your last: one day you'll be right.
After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
Heaven.  As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
to be created."
"This is true," He replied.
"He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
"What!  You, his appointed Enemy for all Time!  You ask for the
right to make his laws?"
"Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to make
his own."
It was so granted.
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
Necessity is a mother.
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads.
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears.
You're at the end of the road again.
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.
However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
judging things by their price.
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
It will be advantageous to cross the great stream...the Dragon is on
the wing in the Sky...the Great Man rouses himself to his Work.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that
will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure
can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly
develop.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Every solution breeds new problems.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love,
we will cry over things we used to laugh &
our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile
creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then &
in the end a summer with wild winds &
new friends will be.
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom
whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow.
"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote.
In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others
as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)"
-- Quoted from a fortune cookie program
   (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.")
   [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to
   misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"]
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
Hi there!  This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
I like work -- I can sit and watch it for hours.
Know thyself.  If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely get
your Feet wet.  Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your face.
Confucius he say too much.
-- Recent Chinese Proverb
Who's on first?
The Killer Ducks are coming!!!
"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble acturiety
and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exaulted
activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy...neither
its pipes nor its theories will hold water."
"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion,
regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys..."
"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces..."
Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it.
He who Laughs, Lasts.
Now and then, an innocent man is sent to the Legislature.
Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the
pens will multiply instead of disappear.
"It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing,
but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous."
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government,
intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption
from the cares of office.
gy-ro-scope: A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and
also free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each
other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two
mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the
other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus
offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny.
Do molecular biologists wear designer genes?
Laetrile is the pits.
Got Mole problems?
Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23.
There's no future in time travel.
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.
Science is what happens when preconception meets verification.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
"Really?  What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!"
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill.  Check
three friends.  If they're ok, you're it.
Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design.  Unlike most
automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the 
numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver.  Rather, if the driver
makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the dashboard.
"The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know what's wrong."
Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,
which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply remove all the
little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
shortest, though.
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could
have poured on a waffle.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around.  I
hope I don't get run over again.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
"In short, _
N is Richardian if, and only if, _
N is not Richardian."
President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and
forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
     JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
  by Mark Isaak
Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
character named Jack.  Jack and his relations were poor.  Often their
hash table was bare.  One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
are sparse.  You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
BASICs."  She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
to him.
So Jack set out.  But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
he met the traveling salesman.
"Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
in high-level language.
"I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
and Apples," commented Jack.
"I have a much better algorithm.  You needn't join a queue
there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house.  But when
he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
started thrashing.
"Don't you even have any artificial intelligence?  All these
kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
window...
FLASH!  Intelligence of mankind decreasing.  Details at ... uh, when
the little hand is on the ....
Only God can make random selections.
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.  The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
the way.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
William Safire's Rules for Writers:
Remember to never split an infinitive.  The passive voice should never be
used.  Do not put statements in the negative form.  Verbs have to agree with
their subjects.  Proofread carefully to see if you words out.  If you reread
your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided
by rereading and editing.  A writer must not shift your point of view.  And
don't start a sentence with a conjunction.  (Remember, too, a preposition is a
terrible word to end a sentence with.)  Don't overuse exclamation marks!!
Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or
more words, to their antecedents.  Writing carefully, dangling participles
must be avoided.  If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking
verb is.  Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.  Avoid trendy
locutions that sound flaky.  Everyone should be careful to use a singular
pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.  Always pick on the correct
idiom.  The adverb always follows the verb.  Last but not least, avoid cliches
like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Be wary of strong drink.  It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.
Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life.
Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting
enough cheese.
Whether you can hear it or not, the Universe is laughing behind your back.
Go 'way!  You're bothering me!
Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was written
and another for which it wasn't.
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
Optimization hinders evolution.
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not
worth knowing.
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how _
t to.  So it is with the great programmers.
Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one works.
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free variable."
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice's Adventures in
Wonderland"; but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
nothing of interest is easy.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is meant to
be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a soap bubble?
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God.
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also easy
to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to improve.
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office automation?
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
Be different: conform.
Save energy: be apathetic.
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
A: It's indeterminate.  It will depend upon how many flats they've
brought with them.
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
A: They replace your generator.
"Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly."
The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says:
Support your right to bare arms!
They also surf who only stand on waves.
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
-- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit
them on the head.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
My God, I'm depressed!  Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times as
powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending mail
about softball games.  And I've got this pain right through my ALU.  I've
asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens.  I think it would be
better for us both if you were to just log out again.
Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings.
DETERIORATA
Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
Rotate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss -- and when.
Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
But that three do.
Wherever possible, put people on `HOLD'.
Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
     You are a fluke of the universe...
     You have no right to be here.
     Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
     Is laughing behind your back.
E Pluribus Unix.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own importance.
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down.
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London)
Dear Sir,
I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or
to the office.  We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in
public places.  They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result
in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn
will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed
agricultural industry.
Yours faithfully,
Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J.P.
Sevenoaks
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917
On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought them
off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from his
mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
stood lookout.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
This life is a test.  It is only a test.  Had this been an actual life, you
would have received further instructions as to what to do and where to go.
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess.
THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM
If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your
contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene?  We cannot continue
without your support.  Less than 14% of all fortune users are
contributors.  That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride.  We
can't go on like this much longer.  Federal cutbacks mean less money
for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the
difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight
and 8 a.m.  Don't let this happen.  Mail your fortunes right now to
`fortune'.  Just type in your favorite pithy saying.  Do it now before
you forget.  Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week.
Don't miss out.  All fortunes will be acknowledged.  If you contribute
30 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide.  If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug....
Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job?
A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off.
Micro Credo: Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift.
"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
Bumper sticker:
"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British
manufacture".
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
Virtue is its own punishment.
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always
respect their good judgement.
A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices
that the system works.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is
probably parked.
Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy
it today you can do it again tomorrow.
Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when he
grows up, he will never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge it.
The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time.
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
Politics is like coaching a football team.  You have to be smart enough
to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest.
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam.
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not a fence.
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, which when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh away.
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back.
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint.
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and
the real reason.
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen objects,
such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer scientists.
Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration needed to "make
sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects.
A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell.  She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion.  "Well, it's quite
nice," he replied, "but don't you think it would be better if..."
"If what?" asked the composer.
"If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home:  "Go on writing plays, my boy.  One
of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his
secretary, 'Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says
'No,' he will say, 'Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.'
And that's your chance, my boy."
Actor:  "I'm a smash hit.  Why, yesterday during the last act, I had
everyone glued in their seats!"
Oliver Herford:  "Wonderful!  Wonderful!  Clever of you to think of it!"
Murphy's Law is recursive.  Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies."
"One planet is all you get."
"If you have to hate, hate gently."
Elevators smell different to midgets.
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
Air is water with holes in it.
"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."
"Heisenberg may have slept here."
"If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?"
"Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise man to be able to sell it."
A man paints with his brains and not with his hands.
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
unix soit qui mal y pense.
The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn anything
from history.
Many are cold, but few are frozen.
A survey has shown that the most popular form of holiday is a
three year arts degree.
Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught.
A man laughs three times at a joke: once when it is told, again when it is
explained, and finally when he understands it.
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks."
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Is burying an elephant a mammoth undertaking?
Back in a minute -- Godot.
You can tell a happy motorcyclist by the flies on his teeth.
Dyslexia lures KO!
Heisenberg probably rules OK!
Apathy rules OK - or would if it could be bothered.
Frappe! Frappe!
  Qui est la?
Lost.
  Lost qui?
Oui!
French dockers rule au quai.
Every couple has its moment in a field.
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
qualified for!
-- Michael Cain
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
-- Mr. Dooley
"If God wanted us to have a President, He would have sent us a candidate."
-- Jerry Dreshfield
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
dead that scares the shit out of me.
-- R. Geis
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
didn't believe in God."
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears. "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller
Opinions are like assholes - everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
-- Hal Hickman
History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
-- Lazarus Long
John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-- Edward P. Morgan
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
can't happen."
-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-- Leo C. Rosten
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait.  The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice.  But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent
merriment.
"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name."
-- Gore Vidal
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
-- Alfred E. Wiggam
The United States Army; 194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
Draft beer, not people.
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
God is an atheist.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inhibit the earth.
Chaste makes waste.
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
Coito ergo sum.
God is not dead -- he's been busted.
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the cactus
has the pricks on the outside.
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
I came; I saw; I fucked up.
Reagan can't _
t either.
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
Cleveland still lives.  God _
t be dead.
Getting an education at the University of California is like
having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
"I've had one child.  My husband wants to have another.  I'd like to
watch him have another."
...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
bridge.
-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
Them Toad Suckers
How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
-- Mason Williams
In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was void
and without form.  And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and
it stinks."
And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, "It
is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, the
Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto the
Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer and
none may abide by its strength."
And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it
is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the growth
of the Laboratories."
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
it was Good!
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)
Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
-- Randall Garrett
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
"As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed."
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
Grain grows best in shit.
-- U. K. LeGuin
All things dull and ugly,
   All creatures short and squat,
   All things rude and nasty,
   The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons,
   Each little wasp that stings,
   He made their brutish venom,
   He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
   All evil great and small,
   All things foul and dangerous,
   The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
   Each beastly little squid.
   Who made the spikey urchin?
   Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
   All pox both great and small.
   Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
   The Lord God made them all.
--Monty Python
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
   Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
   Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
   Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
   Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
   'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!
John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
   On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away
   Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
   Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
   "I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
   A lovely little thinker 
But a bugger when he's pissed!
-- Monty Python
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
place to shift.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers do it with bugs.
AI hackers do it with robots.
AI hackers do it robotically.
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Statisticians probably do it.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Physicists do it with charm.
Astronomers do it at night.
Cosmologists do it with a big bang.
Firemen do it with hoses.
Dentists do it orally.
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
Politicians do it to everyone.
Farmers do it with animals.
Test makers do it sometimes/always/never.
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
Communists do it without class.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Morse coders did it, did it, did it.
Accountants do it with double-entry.
Bakers do it for the dough.
Bellringers do it on consecrated ground.
Brain surgeons do it very slowly (and use special tools).
Bridge Players do it with a dummy.
Bridge players do it when the rubber is vulnerable.
Civil Engineers do it with Steel Erections.
Computer programmers do it logically.
Cricket players do it with stumps.
Divers do it underwater.
Faith healers do it with whatever they can lay their hands on.
Farmers do it in the dirt.
Field engineers do it by taking it down and bringing it up again.
GP's do it every 20 minutes and keep it up all day.
Gluons do it with charm.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lifeguards do it on the beach.
Manicurists do it with other people's fingers.
Mathematicians do it with a small imaginary part.
Perq & Macintosh users do it with a mouse.
Pilots do it to get high.
Quantum Physicists do it discretely.
Ranchers do it with cows and sheep.
Roofers do it up on top.
Rugby players do it with odd shaped balls.
Secretaries do it with their fingers.
Snooker players do it by putting their balls in their pockets.
Teachers do it with class.
The folks at Smith-Barney do it "the old fashoined way".
Topologists do it on rubber sheets.
Typesetters do it between periods.
Undertakers do it with corpses.
Violinists do it with long strokes.
Welders do it with hot rods.
Windsurfers do it standing up.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
Life is like an onion;
you peel off layer after layer until eventually you find nothing there.
Life is like a penis;
when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
Life is like an alimentary canal;
no matter what you put in to it, you only get one thing out of it.
Life is like a sewer;
what you get out of it depends on what you put in to it.
O'Riordan's Theorem:
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (brains x beauty) goes to infinity, so
availability goes to zero.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
She was only the roadmender's daughter, but she liked her asphalt.
She was only the programmer's daughter, but she knew how to PUSH and POP.
She was only the admiral's daughter, but her naval base was full of
discharged seamen.
She was only the cricketer's daughter, but she could catch a full toss
in her crease.
She was only the fishmonger's daughter, but she lay on the slab and
said "fillet".
She was only the grocer's daughter, but she taught Sir Geoffrey Howe.
LOLOAQIC,
I82QB4IP.
Old golfers never die, they only lose their balls.
Confucius he say: "Rape is impossible --
woman with skirts up run faster than man with trousers down".
Confucius he say: "Knickers not best thing in world, but next to it".
Confucius he say: "Man with three balls never lose bearings".
Watney's is like making love in a punt -- fucking close to water.
You don't buy Watney's, you only rent it.
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen.  A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings.  Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing.  Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds.  As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.
There are three morals to this story:
1)      Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.
2)      Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend.
3)      If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut.
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
"How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be
lucky to escape with our skins!"
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: NONE!  Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs!
...and then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps...
One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of
nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
passengers!  Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
be spared."  And he jumped out of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As
leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
democracy."  And with that he too jumped to safety.  Now if you are
following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers.  The
Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
productive life, my son.  You take the parachute and leave me in God's
hands."  "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
...Seats 500.
Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your backyard?
A: If all your trashcan liners are missing...
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
once was -- an arctic wilderness.
-- Steve Martin
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is
having fun.
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
-- Ansel Adams
        The Split-Atom Blues
Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
    Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
But if you split those atoms fine,
    Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
Gimme zits, take my dough,
    Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
    But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
-- Milo Bloom
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
-- J. Edgar Hoover
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
God must love assholes -- He made so many of them.
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
-- Robert Burton
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You _
t have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
-- Ogden Nash
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
The computer is the ultimate polluter:  its shit is indistinguishable
from the food it produces.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
   Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
   Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
   Way number 16 -- A nitric acid bath.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
   Way number 17 -- Use an automatic potato-peeler.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
   Way number 18 -- Sand blasting.
You need no longer worry about the future.  This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
Q:      How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a
schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and
over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and
nose, and breath normally."
Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
A: Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
Kill a commie for Christ!
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.  He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-- R.E. Masters
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-- Frank Zappa
A hard man is good to find.
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
A: Two hours of begging.
Randel -- n.  A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
apology for farting at a friend.
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
   Preposterous Words
Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common?
A. They're both stuck up cunts.
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal
difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
facts.  The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
historian uses his to enrich the past.  Both are usually up to their
ankles in bullshit.
-- Tom Robbins
"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
-- Bo Diddley
"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
-- Humphrey Bogart
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
"A woman is like a dresser -- some man always goin' through her drawers."
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
Why is a Rubik's cube like a penis?
The more you play with it the harder it gets.
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:  it
stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
pick your friend's nose.
Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
       -- James Watt
What can you use used tampons for?  Tea bags for vampires.
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-- David Mairowitz
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
get back inside.
-- Heathcote Williams
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
-- G. Gordon Liddy
If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
should join
THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF
An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the
Flat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up
to cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way
of their beliefs.  In addition to creation science and the flatness of
the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as
correct Church dogma:
    --  That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
UFOs come.
    --
That pi equals precisely 3.000.
    --
That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
    --  That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
the circle.
    --
That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
    --
That pi equals precisely 22/7.
Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
done in a Hollywood special effects studio.  These will be the subject
of a forthcoming Papal Bull.
To join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish,
CCB, San Diego, CA.
Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for
everyone but her.
Overheard in a bar:
Man: "Hey, baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
The problems of the world will be solved only when the last priest has
been strangled with the guts of the last politician.
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system.  If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs, and he had 'em.
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair.
But the bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball;
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call.
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
Let _
V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let _
P be a constant persuasion;
"Let _
V over _
P be inverted
With the square root of _
u inserted
N times into _
V ...
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
There once was a couple named Kelly,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine.
Concave and convex,
It served either sex,
And it played with itself in between.
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
  She let herself go
  For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
There once was a young man named Clyde,
Who fell into a sewer, and died.
His twin brother, Hugh,
Then fell in there, too;
So now they're interred side by side.
This limerick is SO FILTHY it would probably cause offence, so I'll put
"di-dah" for all the filthy words.
Di-dah di-dah di-dah di-dah
Di-dah di-dah di-dah di-dah;
Di-dah di-dah di-dah?
Di-dah di-dah di-dah --
Di-dah di-dah di-dah di-fuck.
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
   The dress caught on fire
   And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
There was a young lady from Spain,
Who liked it, now and again;
Not "now and again"
Just "now and again",
But "now, and again, and again!"
There was a young woman from Bude,
Who went for a swim in a pond.
Then a man in a punt
Struck his pole on her elbow,
And said, "You can't swim in here, 'cos it's not allowed."
There was a young man from Djakarta,
Who was a mellifluous farter.
On the strength of one bean,
He'd fart 'God Save the Queen'
And Beethoven's 'Moonlight' sonata.
There was a young couple from Aberystwyth,
Who got out some cards, to play whist with.
When they got tired of that,
They sat on the mat,
And played with the things that they pissed with.
There was a young seaman called Carter,
Who was an incredible farter.
When the ship wouldn't go
'Cos the wind didn't blow,
They used Carter the farter to start 'er.
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
There was an old man of the port,
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Vi,
When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth.
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that they'd lain.
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansom.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore,
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson, not Samson!"
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
Once a young gay from Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night,
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
"If seven whores would drop their drawers
  While walking down the Strand -
Do you suppose," the Walrus said,
  "That I could raise a stand?"
"I doubt it," said the Carpenter,
  "But wouldn't it be grand!"
While all the time the cunning sod
  Was coming in his hand!
Christian:  One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
Kasha:  Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?  _
know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help you much.
Missionary position:  The missionary on top.
Occident:  The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce".  These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
Virgin:  An ugly third grader.