VARIOUS STUFF FROM rec.humour ============================== Q: why did the IEGOC put ice in his condom? A: to keep the swelling down. Did you hear about the IEGOC who put his comdom on backward? He went. POSSIBLE SLOGANS FOR PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOMM WEEK over your stump before you hump before you attack her, wrap your wacker don't be silly, protect your willy don't be a loner, cover your boner you can't go wrong if you shield your dong if you won't sack it, then go home and wack it if you think she is spunky, cover your monkey it will be sweeter if you wrap your peter if you slip between thighs, be sure to condomize she won't get sick if you wrap your dick if you go into heat, package your meat when undressing venus, wrap up your penis never deck her with an unwrapped pecker wrap in foil before checking her oil especially in december, gift-wrap your member don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool the right selection, check your erection a crank with armor will never harm her when in doubt, shroud your spout. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Heard these at the dentist's while the man was digging for oil in my jaw: Man comes home on night when his neighbour stops him: "You really should close them curtains in the evening, I could see you and your wife making love last night." "That's a goddamn lie! I wasn't even at home last night." -- Dad: "Would you like to have another brother or sister?" Kid: "I guess it's too late to say no." BONG!!!!! Here is the news. Today a man fell into a tank of beer and came to a bitter end. Eddie Shoestring has gone missing. Police say, "We will soon have this case tied up". A mattress was stolen from a warehouse. Police say they will spring into action. All the toilet seats have been stolen from Fulchester Police Station. Police are baffled - they say they have nothing to go on. A baby girl was christened "Glug-glug" today at St. Timothy's. The vicar fell in the font. A mad scientist has just perfected the waterproof teabag. Now, motoring news. A lorryload of treacle collided with a lorryload of glue on the M1 today. Motorists are being advised to stick to their own lanes. The Six Million Dollar Man was caught doing 125mph on the A1 today. He was fined 100 pounds and dismantled for 6 months. An elephant did the ton on the M4 today. Police are advising motorists to use it as a roundabout. Finally, today's weather will be wrong, especially in the South. Join us tomorrow for another load of carppy(anag) news items - assuming people send them in! In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch vetenary surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate it's internal gasses, he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial expression and struck a match. The resulting jet of flame set fire to some bales of hay and then to the whole farm, causing an estimated 45,000 pounds of damage. The vet was later fined 140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. From The Book of Heroic Failiures By Steven Pile There was a young lady called Lill Who used dynamite sticks for a thrill They found her vagina in North Carolina And bits of her tits in Brazil. Joke: This bloke pulls into a petrol station in Ireland and asks for five gallons of petrol. The attendant replies that they don't sell petrol. ``Don't sell petrol. What sort of a garage is this? Well, check the oil for me'' The attendant replies that they don't sell oil. ``What!! Top the radiator up for me then'' The attendant again replies that they don't have any water, and that, in fact, the garage is just a front for the IRA. ``In that case blow my tyres up'' 1. What is the difference between a swedish girl and a helicopter ? - Not everybody has had a ride in a helicopter. 2. (narrative joke(?)): One day, Joe Puberty vent to the public baths. After having undressed, he suddently got an erection, for no apparent reason (that's Puberty for you). He was obviously embarresed, and did not know what to do (!) about it. At last, he went to the supervisor (of the baths - don't know the correct word), and asked him for help. The supervisor promptly grabbed a bucket of cold water, and threw it on the offending member, which immediately shrank to 5x10^-3 m. Joe looked down at his **** and said: "Oh I see - just thirsty, were you ?". Two elderly ladies at the greengrocers are carefully selecting what to purchase. One of them holds up a tremendously large carrot and exclaims to her companion: -Wilma, this one's just like my husband's. -But Edna, my dear. You mean it's really *that* huge? -No Wilma, but just as dirty. THERE WAS this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles every day. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over, with the exception of his PENIS which he readily decided to do something about. He went to the beach, completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out! Two little old ladies were stolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other little old lady. "There really is no justice in this world" The other little old lady said, "what do you mean?" The first old lady said, "Look at that. . . When I was 20 I was curlous about it; when I was 30 I enjoyed it; when I was 40 I asked for it; when I was 50 I paid for it; when I was 60 I prayed for it; when I was 70 I forgot about it, and now that I'm 80 the damn things are growing wild - and I'm too old to squat!" The teacher has set the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of the particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a note from that member). A smart-arse student pipes up: "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?" The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the teacher responds with: "Well, Jones, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand." A young country Irish lad is at the local barn dance. He spies in the distance, a fine looking young lassie (girl!). After building up as much courage as he can, he saunters over to her and asks her would she like to dance. She does, so they do. After a few slow dances he looks her straight in the eye and says "Can I smell your fanny?", to which she, not altogether unsuprisingly replies "You certainly can NOT!!". He nonchanlantly turns to her and says "Oh, it must be your feet then." A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked. ___________ One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers to each cons." Moon patiently told the student the following story: "One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage collector... ___________ In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. ___________ A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. ___________ A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test," said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster: "I wish the toaster to be happy, too." ___________ A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the wise one named Knuth?", he asked a passing student. "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new disciples." Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. ___________ A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnesty, the Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. First man: How'd you get that black eye? Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore. 1st: She punched you? 2nd: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters. Offensive to Moslems/Iranians and bookburners, of course. >From the San Francisco _Chronicle_ Datebook section, March 5, 1989, "'The Satanic Verses' -- Comics Laugh It Off" (The names are Bay Area or nationally-known stand-up comics...) "Khomeini's idea of 'opening up to the West' means allowing non-Muslims to hunt Rushdie." --Don Stevens [Commenting on small nightclub crowd] "This looks like a Salman Rushdie book-signing party" --Fred Reiss "If there were a $6 million bounty on me, I'd kill myself just for the reward. For that much, I think the Muscular Dystrophy people ought to go after him." --David Feldman "If Rushdie's book got Khomeini mad, wait till he sees the swimsuit edition of the Koran." --Johnny Carson [Shaking his head] "...and wait until Khomeini finds out Safeway carries pork." --Bob Lacey [Answering machine tape] "We're not here right now; we've gone to England to kill Salman Rushdie." --Alex Reid "I translated 'The Satanic Verses' into Spanish, and now there's a 10 million-peso price on my head. What an insult; I"m worth more than a nickel." --Jose' Simon The Chinese Menu. Wun Hung Lo Chinese Restaurant Carry Out Menu MEAT DISHES 1. Bol Oxs..................Hot Meat Balls 2. Sur Kum Sihz.............Sausage Slices 3. Hol Mein Kok.............Scrag end encased in ladyfingers 4. Dik Sor..................Rolled pork fillet rubbed in chile powder 5. Eja Kul Lait.............Shaft of mutton in white cream sauce 6. Rek Tum Blok.............Oversized baked sausage 7. Long Dik.................Coq in van 8. Yu Nux...................Meatball extract 9. Veri Ti Rin..............Massive extrusion of forcemeat VEGETABLES 10. Wan Kin..................Bamboo shoots 11. Pei Sof..................Chinese leaves 12. Wot Kung Fu Dat..........Tossed salad 13. Sik In Lu................Sweet and sour hot sauce 14. Pu Bik...................Young sprouts 15. Du Reks..................Entre Coat 16. Hoo Pong In Kar See......Yellow rice with meat droppings 17. Hoo Kum On Mat...........Thick white rice on ryebread SAUCES 18. Pei Sol..................Cantonese drippings 19. Sei Men Drip.............Delicately flavoured white sauce 20. Yu Kum...................Hot custard 21. Tor Soff.................Hand-made thick white sauce 22. Hu Lade Turd.............Brown sauce with nuts 23. Fan Tom Ar Sol...........Invisible brown sauce without nuts SPECIALITIES 24. Lik Mein.................Plate of the day 25. Fug Yu...................Chinese toast 26. Munth Lei................Popular dish of the period 27. Kow Poo..................Savoury pan cakes 28. Doggi Bag................Chinese take away 29. Ho Mo....................Sausage surprise 30. Bo Gee...................Pick of the week DESSERTS 31. Vee Dee..................Spotted Dick 32. Kum In Yu................Cream Squirt 33. Yu Pong..................Crap suzette 34. Kum Lots.................Extra portion of cream 35. Ars Pik..................Chocolate fingers 36. Hoo Shat in Fann.........Chocolate spread 37. Or Jee...................Chinese stuffing on bed of mandarins 38. Es Kie Mo Kum............Frosted banana cream 39. Tu Tun On Goo Lies.......Crushed Nuts 40. Wun Hung Lo..............Mixed nuts 41. Tu Brik Smak.............Puree of nuts 42. Di Rere..................Chinese afters in aromatic sauce 43. Hu Pong..................Chinese snifters 44. Kwik Wank................Cream slice BEVERAGES 45. Yu Rine..................Jasmine Tea 46. Wob Li Tit...............Milk Shake Chopsticks extra. The University of Utah has announced that they can turn seawater into fuel. Exxon's already doing that in Alaska. --Jay Leno 4/3/89 A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his seeing eye dog. After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light. First a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by. Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them. After they reach the far corner the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the seeing eye dog. At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck. The blind man responded "I'm not rewarding him, I'm just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass." Q: What was Corazon Aquino's happiest hour? A: When she found out she had Imelda Marcos' shoe size. a recent TASS headline: SPACE IS NO ESCAPE FROM DIMWIT BEAUROCRATS A soviet officer faces charges that he failed to respond to four notifications for army reserve service. Since November, however, he has been orbiting earth in a space station. I guess the mail service just isn't all it's cracked up to be... What's the Australian male's idea of foreplay ? -- "WAAKE UUUP !!!" The following is a humorous story reported in the Manchester Guardian some time in the late 1970's. Ben McTaggart, a farmer in the Scottish Highlands, was apprehended by the local constabulary after a routine inspection of his croft revealed an illicit whisky still. McTaggart appeared in court next day to face charges of evading payment of excise duties and the illegal manufacture of alcoholic spirits. Reviewing the facts of the case before pronouncing verdict, the magistrate declared - "Mr McTaggart, you have been found in possession of apparatus commonly used in the distillation of alcoholic liquors. Although this equipment was unused, and no trace of spirits could be found on your premises, the intent of the apparatus should be clear to all, and I am obliged to find you guilty of all charges brought against you in this court. Before I pronounce sentence, do you have anything to say in mitigation of your offence?" McTaggart glowered at the magistrate and replied - "Your Honour, you can convict me of moonshining just because I have the equipment, but you'd better convict me of rape as well, because I have the equipment for that tae!" Colloquium announcement: Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky. Hand-written note underneath: The last five minutes aren't so hot either. This joke, could be offensive to Norwegians, but I can assure you it's not. Any Norwegian reader would just tell an even better joke about a Swede instead. Read in a book about the Joke-war between Norway and Sweden. ---- It's mid December some year, and Norway has had a new ambassador in the USA for about a month. He is, as a matter of fact not only new as ambassador to the USA, he is a novice ambassador of any sort. He is just about getting familiar with his work, but he's not always sure about what to do. Suddenly the phone rings.. - Yees..., he says, a bit confused. (His phone hardly ever rings.) - Good morning Mr ambassador. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times. I'd like to know what you want for Christmas present. - Eh , Sveind (Yes, that's his name) said. Christmas present... Eh... I'm very sory Mike, I can't accept any gifts, but tanks anyway. - Yes, of course... I understand, said Mike with a voice telling a deaf he didn't understand at all, Bye then. - Good bye Mike. The day goes a usual. Sveind thought this was a bit unusual, but he soon forgot about it, and went back to the normal ambassadoring. The next morning the phone rings again. - Yes, Sveind speeking. - Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano from the New York Times again. I'm wondering if you're really serious about what you said yesterday? - Ah.. Helloo... Eh. Yes, unfortunattely I ment it. You see, ve're not allowed to accept personal gifts. They culd be seen at as bribes, and I don't vant to cause any scandall. I'm very sory, but I hope you understand. - Yes, of course.. Sorry... Bye. - Good bye. That was funny, Sveind thought. Didn't he believe what I said. Maybe some missunderstanding. After all my pronounciation isn't the best. The next morning the phone rings again. - Yes, Sveind heere. - Hello Sveind. This is Mike Giordano again. I supppose you know what I want? - Yes I know vhatt you want, Sveind said, not without irritarion. I thouht I explained vhy I can't accept any gifts. - Yes you did, but I don't think you.... - Yes I understand, Sveind said, quite angrily. I understand perfectly vell. Vhat do you vant relly? Do you vant to get rid of me, or vhat? Anyvay, you von't have any success, I will go strictly by the book. No... Vait a minute. Novv I knovv. I vant a fruit bovl (He is sure a fruit bowl is absolutely harmless, and won't cause any scandal.) - A fruit bowl?? Are you serious?? - Yes. A fruit bovl. Is there anything vrong vith a fruit bovl? - No. Nothing wrong, but a bit unusual maybe.. - Unusual??. Vell that doesn't matter, does it? - No. Of course not. Merry Christmas then, and bye bye. - Good bye, and eh, Merry Christmas. A few days later, this could be read in the New York Times. WHAT THE FORREIGN AMBASSADORS HERE WANTS FOR X-MAS During a few hectic days, I've been calling all the embassies here, and asking the ambassadors what they want for Christmas. This is the result. EUROPEAN COUNTRIES: Great Britain. Good economic welfare. Western Germany. Even better east-west relations France. Free trade between Europe and USA. Switzerland. Better European cooperation, and better US relations. Sweden. End of the starvation in the third world. Belgium. Better environmental care. Norway. A fruit bowl. Mike Giordano. When Noah heard the weather forecast he ordered the building of the ark. --- that was Leadership Then he looked around and said, "Make sure the elephants don't see what the rabbits are up to." --- that was Management One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says: "CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED." He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges. "Do you work here?",he asks. "Yes",she replied. "And is the statement ao the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes." "Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?" "I do," said the lady. "Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes." Speaking for the whole company, Mr. Sizya Lubuva of Kinondomi, Dar es Salaam, said: "A number of us were having a conference about the future of the village as a tourist center when Mr. Nuugu Tabara said he would climb up the palm under which we were sitting to get some coconut milk for us. No sooner had he climbed the tree, than he was attacked by a huge Indian crow and fell down onto the roof of Mr. Malinjoo's Ford Fiesta. There is no truth to the suggestion that we were boozing away our time on komoni, although I agree coconut milk is one its ingredients. Everyone knows how dangerous those crows are. They will snatch food off your plate, and last week they stole three bedsheets and a loudspeaker from my sister's house." -- Daily News (Tanzania), February 24, 1989 This guy was walking through the zoo one day. When he was in front of the gorilla cage he bent down to tie his shoe. He noticed through the corner of his eye that the gorilla had also bent down. Then when he stood back up he saw that the gorilla also stood back up. To see if it was a coincidence, he bent down to tie his other shoe and once again the gorilla bent down. He stood up and the gorilla stood up. After glancing over his shoulder to make sure that nobody else was around, the man jumped up in the air. And you guessed it, the gorilla jumped up. The man was getting a kick out of it. He started making faces at the gorilla and the gorilla would copy everything he did. Finally the man got next to the cage and pulled the lower lid of his right eye down. At this point the gorilla reached through the cage pulled the guy in, threw the guy around the cage, and generally beat the shit out of him, then threw him back out of the cage. After hearing all the commotion, the zookeeper came running over to the man. "What on earth happened?" asked the zookeeper. "I don't know" said the man. "He seemed calm a second ago. I was jumping around and he was jumping around and he was doing every thing I was doing. Then all of sudden after I did this (pulls lower eyelid down) he got all mad and beat the hell out of me." "Well no wonder!!!" exclaimed the zookeeper. "That" (pulls lower eyelid down) "means F... YOU in gorilla talk!" "Oh" said the man not quite satisfied. He left the zoo but returned an hour later with a large shopping bag. Again, after making sure that no one was watching, he started jumping around and the gorilla did the same. After a minute or two of this he grabbed the bag and pulled out two butcher knives and threw one of them into the cage. He lifted the other knife over his head at which point the gorilla grabbed his knife and also lifted it over his head. After a minute of cutting the air with his knife and watching the gorilla do likewise the man snuck a large salami out of the bag with his other hand and stuck it between his legs. With a sweeping motion he came down with the knife and whacked off the salami "WHACK!!!" At this, the gorilla simply looked at the man and pulled down his lower eyelid. Time: Early Sixties. Place: Yourtown, USA A young unmarried couple decides after a few dates that they are going to sleep together. So, the guy, Tom, goes to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. Tom goes up to the pharmacy counter and asks the pharmacist for some Trojans, (just like the kid in Summer of '42). The pharmacist looks at Tom disgustedly and says, "What's wrong with you kids today, ya go on two dates and you wanna go to bed with each other. Why can't ya save sex for when ya get married. You should wait until you're married! Sex before marriage is a sin ya know." Well Tom calmed down the pharmacist and explained that his generation was a little different. He said that he and his girlfriend were just trying to act responsibly and take precautions against pregnancy and disease. The pharmacist conceded that times were changing and finally sold him the condoms. That same night Tom was invited over to his girlfriend Katey's house for dinner with the family. When they all sat down, Tom asked Katey's father if he could say grace. Her father said yes and Tom proceded to say a beautiful eleven minute grace thanking everyone from the Pilgrims to the President for the meal they were about to eat. After dinner Katey took Tom aside and smiling, said, "Tom, you never told me you were so religious!" Tom smiled back and said, "Well, Katey, you never told me you father was a pharmacist." According to _The_Providence_Journal_, Claudine Schneider, a lawmaker from Rhode Island, mentioned to Dan Quayle during a conversation that she spoke fluent French. Quayle was very impressed by her language skills and replied by saying, "I was recently on tour of Latin America and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." All us Hoosiers down heer are reel prowd of good 'ol Danforth !-) Of course, Central and Latin America are the pinnacle of brilliance in U.S. foreign policy. After Reagan returned from *his* visit, he noted: "You'd be surprised. They're all independent little countries down there!" There was a terrible auto accident, with body parts lying around. A very stupid policeman was filling out a form telling where the parts were. He was having some trouble spelling: "Torso, in ditch. t-o-r...s-o, in d-i-c-no, t-c-h. Head, in avenue. h-e-d-no, h-e-a-d, in a-v-i...a-v-e... d-i-t-c-h. One very cold night, a young man dropped into the local brothel and the madam said, "You'll have to wait." "But there's lots of girls that aren't busy right now." "Yes, but several of the rooms are closed for repairs." "Listen, I'm pretty desparate. I don't need a room." So she takes his money and he goes upstairs with one of the staff and, after looking for a place to consummate the transaction, they decide to do it on the roof. But it's a very cold night, and they freeze to death and fall to the sidewalk. A passing drunk looks them over, staggers to the door, and knocks. "Go away!" says the madam. "We don't allow drunks in here!" "I don't want in," says the drunk. "I just wanted to tell you that your sign fell down." An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside. A doctor has some trouble with the sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told it's his day off ... "But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated, and the plumber relents. The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of asprin and walks out, saying, "Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, come and see me tomorrow." Moses, returning from the mountain, spoke to his people: "The good news is we got them down to ten." "The bad news is that adultery is still one of them."