MURPHY'S LAWS AND OTHER OBSERVATIONS MURPHY'S LAWS 1. If anything can go wrong, it will. 2. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong. 3. If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway. 4. If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 5. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 6. Nothing is as easy as it looks. 7. Everything takes longer than you think. 8. It is impossible to make anything foolproof, because fools are so ingenious. 9. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 10. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 11. Mother nature is a bitch. Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics: Things get worse under pressure. Another One of Murphy's Laws: If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number. O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS Murphy was an optimist. GINSBERG'S THEOREMS 1. You can't win. 2. You can't break even. 3. You can't even quit the game. FORSYTH'S SECOND COROLLARY TO MURPHY'S LAWS Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in WEILER'S LAW Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. Utz's Laws of Computer Programming: 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run. 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 5. Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory. 6. The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output. 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it. 8. Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. PIERCE'S LAW In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, miconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or fail to print any output on at least the first run through. COROLLARY TO PIERCE'S LAW When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output. ADDITION TO MURPHY'S LAWS In nature, nothing is ever right. therefore, if everything is going right... SOMETHING IS WRONG. BROOK'S LAW If at first you don't succeed, TRANSFORM YOUR DATA SET! GROSCH'S LAW Computing power increases as the square of the cost. GOLUB'S LAWS OF COMPUTERDOM 1. Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 2. A carelessly planned project takes three longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned project takes only twice as long. 3. The effort required to correct course increases geometrically with time. 4. Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so vividly manifests their lack of progress. OSBORN'S LAW Variables won't; constants aren't. GILB'S LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY 1. Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 2. Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable. 3. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited. 4. Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done. LUBARSKY'S LAW OF CYBERNETIC ENTOMOLOGY There's always one more bug. TROUTMAN'S POSTULATES 1. Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers. 2. Not until a program has been in production for six months will Will the most harmful error be discovered. 3. Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be. 4. Interchangeable tapes won't. 5. If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it. 6. If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction. WEINBERG'S SECOND LAW If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. GUMPERSON'S LAW The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability. GUMMIDGE'S LAW The amount of expertise varies in inverse ratio to the number of statements understood by the general public. ZYMURGY'S FIRST LAW OF EVOLVING SYSTEM DYNAMICS Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can (old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans). HARVARD'S LAW, AS APPLIED TO COMPUTERS Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity and other variables, the computer will do as it damn well pleases. SATTINGER'S LAW It works better if you plug it in. JENKINSON'S LAW It won't work. HORNER'S FIVE THUMB POSTULATE Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. CHEOP'S LAW Nothing ever gets build on schedule or within budget. RULE OF ACCURACY When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer. ZYMURG'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAW When it rains, it pours. PUDDER'S LAWS 1. Anything that begins well ends badly. 2. Anything that begins badly ends worse. WESTHEIMER'S RULE To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by two and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. thus, we allocate two days for a one hour task. STOCKMAYER'S THEOREM If it looks easy, it's tough. If it looks tough, it's damn near impossible. ATWOODS COROLLARY No books are lost by lending except those you particularly wanted to keep. JOHHNSON'S THIRD LAW If you miss one issue of any magazine, it will be the issue that con- tains the article, story or installment you were most anxious to read. COROLLARY TO JOHNSON'S THIRD LAW All of your friends either missed it, lost it or threw it out. HARPER'S MAGAZINE LAW You never find the article until you replace it. BROOKE'S LAW Adding manpower to a late software makes it later. FINAGLE'S FOURTH LAW Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it will only make it worse. FEATHERKILE'S RULE Whatever you did, that's what you planned. FLAP'S LAW Any inanimate object, regardless of its position, configuration or purpose, may be expected to perform at any time in a totally unexpected manner for reasons that are either entirely obscure or else completely mysterious. Sage Thoughts For Would-Be Politicians -------------------------------------- Imhoff's Law: The organisation of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank- the really big chunks always rise to the top. Hoffman's Rule: Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking. Mrs. Bowman's Rule of Sibling Rivalry: The child who cuts the piece of candy in half doesn't get first choice of the two pieces. Jiminez's Maxim: If they give you ruled paper, write the other way. Taft's Law: If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con', then 'Progress' is the opposite of 'Congress'. Hodghead's Cynicism: A husband (or wife) is a person who sticks with you through troubles you wouldn't have had if you hadn't married him (or her) in the first place. Ellis' Eloquence: (i) To find a policeman in a hurry, double-park. (ii) Start your own lay-a-way plan ... smoke. (iii) If God thought that nudity was O.K., we would have been born naked. Alfred E. Smith's Rule: No matter how thin you slice it, it's still baloney. Lyndon's Observation: If the first person who answers the phone cannot answer your question, it's a bureaucracy. Quotes For Those Buffs Who Like To Needlepoint Signs Around The Home -------------------------------------------------------------------- Pulliam's Postulate: Never step in anything soft. Ornstein's Law: Nobody ever puts out a sign that says "NICE DOG". Stoddart's First Wisdom: Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, he does. Chuck's Conclusion: A small carafe of wine is illogical, immoral and inadequate. Mrs. Murphy's Law: The average woman talks 50 per cent more than her husband listens. Preston's Postulates: (i) He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck. (ii) Love your neighbour, but be sure her husband is away. (iii) Two can live as cheaply as one ... for half as long. Allen's Observation: There's no such thing as a 'simple little job around the house'. The Prodigal Son's Lament: Home is where, when they feed you turnips, you have to eat them. Norman's Household Hint: Give me a home where the buffalo roam, and you've got a room full of buffalo droppings. Jason's Law: An unbreakable toy is good for breaking other toys. For the Medically Minded - Some Thoughts To Operate By ------------------------------------------------------ Macaluso's Doctrine: You've never been as sick as just before you stop breathing. Shalit's Drugstore Observation: These pills can't be habit-forming; I've been taking them for years. The Surgeon's Quandary: Ooops - I cut it off again and it's still too short. Frisch's Law: It takes one woman nine months to have a baby, no matter how many men you put on the job. Firestone's Negative Reformation of Frisch's Law: You cannot have a baby in one month by getting nine women pregnant. Rumple's Rule: No hospital staff physician is totally worthless; he can always be used as a horrible example. Axioms For The Computer Age, and Others --------------------------------------- Charley's Observation: Computers were invented by Murphy. Anyone who thinks there's some good in everyone hasn't interviewed enough people. There's having and there's getting. Those who have, will always get. Those who get, will never have. If a man fools me once - shame on him. If the same man fools me twice - shame on me. The tyre is only flat on the bottom. A man with one watche knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure. After an instrument has been fully assembled and working, extra components will be found on the bench. It's a wise man who lives with money in the bank. It's a fool who dies that way A lone 10p always gets the number nearly right. The only way to make something foolproof is to keep it away from fools. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane Definition of Economics: The study of how men make money and how women spend it Bare feet magnetise sharp objects so that they always point upwards from the floor - especially in the dark. When a body is immersed in water - the telephone rings. If spilled, there is no such thing as "a little water". Mirrors are twice as good as windows - you only need to clean one side to be able to see clearly. If you are wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe, you have a pair like it somewhere in a cupboard. Money no longer talks - it just goes without saying. Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. The Definition of a Born Loser: A guy who loses even in his own fantasies. Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver. Infants speak many languages before they find one that grown-ups understand. In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it. When several reporters share a cab on an assigment, the reporter in the front seat always gets stuck for the fare. No matter how many reporters share a cab and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his expense account. Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it In designing any type of construction, no overall dimension can be totalled correctly after 4pm on a Friday. Under the same conditions, if any minor dimensions are given to 1/16 of an inch, they cannot be totalled at all. The correct total will be self-evident at 9:01 am Monday morning. More of Murphy's Laws: 'In closing' is always followed by the other half of the speech. All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. Abstain from wine, women and song. Mostly song. The cussedness of inanimate objects is beyond understanding. Living in the past has one thing in its favour - it's cheaper. If it jams, forcce it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. If you cast your bread upon the waters, it will return soggy. A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. Whoever learns to control the weather will have destroyed the last safe topic of conversation. The other queue always moves faster. Letters beginning "Dear Sir" will always be opened by a woman, usually an officer in the Women's Lib. movement. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. Not a shred of evidence exists in favour of the idea that life is serious. There are more horses' asses in this world than there are horses. The devil finds work for idle glands. Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness: You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. Winners tell funny stories; losers holler "Deal!" An elephant is a mouse built to Government specifications. Don't ever eat yellow snow. God didn't create the world in seven days...he screwed around for six and pulled an all-nighter. All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. Those who think they know everything upset those of us who do.