NURSE,BABY & MIDWIFE JOKE ========================= A nurse was training to be a midwife so she was standing beside the midwife waiting for the mother to drop the sprogg.Eventually she does.The midwife hands the baby to the nurse and tells her to go next door and wash the baby to make it presentable for the mother. 10 minutes later the midwife goes round to the nurse where she is greeted by the sight of the nurse with her 2 fingers shoved up the baby's nostrils leading it thro' the basin of water.The midwife screams, "What the #@&*%$ do you think you're doing???!!!! That's not the way you wash a baby!!" The nurse looks up and replies, "It is when the water's this hot!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A slightly deaf old lady goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asks her to undress, after examining her he says to her "You've got acute angina" to which the lady replies "Thank you doctor I'm sure you've got a very nice willy too!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man and a woman are in bed together having a whale of a time,when they here the front door slam shut. "Oh my god!!" exclaims the woman."It's my husband" The lover jumps out of bed and races around the room trying to find his clothes .The husband hears all this commotion and grabs his 12-Bore shotgun and literally leaps up the stairs to the bedroom. "What the hell are you doing??!!" He yells as he breaks the door down. "I'm going to blow your balls off for messing around with my wife!!" The lover (stark naked) pleads, "Please man , Give me a chance " The husband replies , scornfully, "O.K. Swing 'em !!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A WINDY JOKE ! ============== What did the Hurricane say to the Coconut tree ??????? "Hold on to your nuts,this ain't no ordinary blow job."!!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Paddy & Murphy [2 Eskimo navvies] were working on a building site, on the scaffolding, Murphy drops his spade, he shouts look out Paddy, and of course Paddy looks out.....WHOOOSH....the spade slices Paddy's ear clean off. So five minutes later Paddy & Murphy on crawling around the floor , suddenly Murphy screams, Paddy i've found it! Paddy turns around and says , Thats not mine, MINE HAD A PENCIL BEHIND IT!!!!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- NEIGHBOUR 1 - How did you get that black eye ? NEIGHBOUR 2 - Well, my husband came out of prison on his birthday........ NEIGHBOUR 1 - Yes ? NEIGHBOUR 2 - And i wished him many happy returns. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WILLIE - Dad, what's a politician ? FATHER - He's a human machine with a constantly moving tongue. WILLIE - Then, what's a statesman ? FATHER - He's an ex-politician who's mastered the art of holding his tongue. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two married men were visiting an art museum. They passed before a large a large painting of a female entitled ECHO. " I suppose the artist named it so because a woman always has the last word," said one. " But on the other hand, an echo speaks only when spoken," was the answer. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Bus Conductor ================= A bus conductor who worked for WM Travel got fed up with his meagre wages,so he decided to get a job in Venezuala which he had seen advertised in Sunday Sport.The location was nice and the rates of pay very good,so he packed his bags and went off to his new job abroad. Many weeks went by and the bus conductor was very happy,even the language barrier was posing no problems at all.In fact he couldn't have been happier. One day he was helping an old lady off the bus,who,not used to being given helping hands stepped back in amazement,slipped and fell off the bus and under the wheels of a passing lorry.She was dead on arrival at the hospital. A policeman who had witnessed what had happened,made out his report,which his commanding officer read and came to the conclusion that the old lady was pushed out by the Bus Conductor.He immediately orderd the arrest of the Conductor. Before he knew what had happened,the poor Conductor was put up in front of a judge and jury.The poor man was found guilty by the jury and the judge passed sentence that the Bus Conductor should be executed by electrocution. The fateful day came,and the poor conductor was dragged out of his cell and down to the electric chair.The guards strapped him in and he was read the following message. "You have been tried and found guilty of murder and your sentence is death by electrocution.By our law if you survive electrocution three times then you are free to go." The guard then asked the Conductor if he had any last request. "I'll have a banana,please",asked the man "A banana ?",the guard asked. "Yes,a banana.",was the reply. The guard gave the man a banana,which he ate.The guards hand reached for the switch,which he suddenly pulled 10,000 volts zapped through the conductors body.When the power was switched off,the Conductor was amazingly still alive! The guard could not believe it.He set the dial to 20,000 volts and again asked the man if he had a last request.Again the man asked for a banana, which he ate. The guard again pulled the switch,smoke,steam and sparks filled the room,but when the power was turned off the conductor was still alive. The guard was absolutely gobsmacked,he had never known anything like this before.This time he set the power to 50,000 volts.And when he asked the conductor if he had a last request again a banana was asked for.The man ate his banana and the switch was flicked on.Even more smoke,steam and sparks filled the room.The guard turned the power off.He could not believe it for the conductor was still alive!!!! "You're free to go",said the Guard. "Thanks.",said the conductor,who got up to leave after hi was unstrappedfrom the chair. "Before you go",the Guard asked,"what's the secret about the bananas? Why does it keep you alive?" "It's not the bananas",said the man,"I'm just a BAD CONDUCTOR" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three salesmen, an Eskimo and two Tasmanians, on business find their car broken down in the countryside and as it was getting late, decided to find somewhere to stop. After a long trek, they found themselves at a farmhouse in the coutryside. They knocked on the door and a farmer answered the door. They asked the farmer if they could stop the night and the farmer agreeded only if they promised to leave his 3 daughters alone. Late in the night the 1st Tasmanian found he couln't resist his urges and went to go to the daughters rooms, but on his way up stairs, he trod on a squeakey step and the farmer came out of his room and shouted farmer said 'go to bed cat and the Tasmanian hurried back. Next the 2nd Tasmanian found he couln't resist his urges and again, as he was going upstairs, he made a noise and the farmer shouted 'whos that?' - very frightened the 2nd Tasmanian shouted 'mmeeooww' and the farmer said 'go to bed cat' and the Tasmanian hurried back. Finally, the Eskimo found he couln't resist his urges and again, as he was going upstairs, he made a noise and the farmer shouted 'whos that' - and the Eskimo said 'its me, the cat'. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- PAT & MICK were walking in the countryside one hot summer day. "I'm bloody thirsty," said MICK "Me too," agrees PAT," do you fancy a drink of milk?" "I do PAT but i've no money." "Follow me," says PAT,"and never mind about the money." PAT then climbs into a field of cows, followed by MICK. "Just do what I do," says PAT, lying under a cow and taking an udder in his mouth. Two minutes after taking PAT's advice MICK shouts across, "Hey, PAT there's something wrong with this cow. The milk tastes salty." "Change to another udder," advices PAT. "Can't," says MICK. "This cows only got one." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- HOME DOCTOR =========== AILMENT : WAGGERS SYNDROME. SYMPTOMS : TOTAL INABILITY TO GET OUT OF THE BED IN THE MORNING AND A VERY PALE LOOK. REMEDY : LIE STILL, KEEP WARM AND TRY TO AVOID MAKING ANY SUDDEN AND STRENUOUS MOVEMENTS. SLEEPING AT LEAST TWELVE HOURS A DAY AND WAKING UP IN THE AFTERNOONS ARE THE ONLY CURES. AFTER A COUPLE OF DAYS GET THE OLD DEAR TO BRING UP SOME MAGAZINES AND ALSO GET THE OLD MAN TO RIG UP THE TELEVISION IN YOUR ROOM. REPEAT THIS TREATMENT DAILY AND ON SATURDAY MORNING YOU WILL NOTICE A DRAMATIC IMPROVEMENT IN YOUR CONDITION. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE BLACKSMITH ============== A man walks into a pub with a dog under his arm,walks up to the bar and orders his round. "That's a nice looking dog you have.",says the barman. "Yes.",says the man,"he's very talented." "What tricks can he perform then?",asked the barman. "My dog doesn't perform tricks.",says the man,"he's a blacksmith." "A blacksmith.What kind of crap is that." "It's no crap.I'll bet you a fiver he is.",says the man. "You're on.",says the barman,slapping his fiver down on the bar. The man tells his dog to go put the poker,which is lying next to a roaring coal fire,into the fire.The dog gets up and does so.After a while the man tells the dog to fetch the poker,which the dog does.The man then gets the red-hot poker and shoves it up the dogs arse.The dog belts off out of the door and is gone. "Where's my fiver you owe me?",asks the barman. "You owe me a fiver.",says the man. "I thought you said your dog was a blacksmith.He hasn't done anything yet",says the barman. "What do you mean?",says the man,"He just made a bolt for the door didn't he!!!!!!!!!!!!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man is having it away with another mans wife. While they are having their 'fun' the front door slams "Honey I'm home" the womans husband shouts. "Shit" say's the man and quickly dresses and jumps into a wardrobe to hide. Inside the wardrobe he hears someone say "It's dark in here init." The man is worried and asks "Who are you?" to which the voice replies "That was my mummy you were in bed with" the man pleads with the little boy "don't tell your Dad please!" the little boy replies "cost ya", "How much, a fiver?", "na a tenner", The man gives the little boy a tenner and manages to leave without being noticed. A few days later the little boy is feeling guilty about taking the money from the man, so he decides to go to church to confess. At the church he is sitting in the confessional and says "Forgive me father for I have sinned." The preist replies "What is your sin my child" and suddenly the lights go out. "It's dark in here init." the little boy says. The preist shouts "Oh no not you again!!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A lady goes to the doctors with a letter 'P' on her chest. Doctor: "How fascinating - how did that get there?" Lady: "My boyfriend plays for Preston, and everytime we make love the P from his shirt goes through onto my chest" The lady comes back two weeks later with an 'L' on her chest and explains to the doctor that her boyfriend now plays for Liverpool. She then comes back two weeks later with an 'M' on her chest. Doctor: "Don't tell me, he plays for Manchester" Lady: "No, Wigan" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ONE HUNDRED(-ish) AND UMMM FINGS TO DO WITH A DED LION. (Part 1) ================================================================ 1) Chop of feet and use them to take down notes (pads). 2) Give it to Prince and he'll make a new album (lion of the times). 4) Give Dr Paul Mills a brain transplant. 5) Give Mr kenning a head transplant. [ and theres paw (more).] 6) Introduce a gas supply to Norfolk with it (mains). 7) If you lioned a program would you get a bigger listing. 8) Im trying my hardest to claw together this material. Its not fangtastic.But i tigress. ..............................To Be Continued ....... Lions2 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ONE HUNDRED(-ish) AND UMMM FINGS TO DO WITH A DED LION. (Part 2) ================================================================ 9) lions top six a) Julion Cope b) Lionel Richie c) Hulionglaisius d) death leppard e) marrilion f) lion maiden 10) Take it to see sandy lion on a lynx course [golf you know]. [Did it get there by air lion or ocean lioner]. 11) Take it home with you sit it in a chair sit beside it at a table. Do some work and however late it is getting in you can say you did it by a dead lion. THIS SERVICE WILL BE RETURNED TO NORMAL WHEN WE ARE SURE WHAT IS NORMAL ANYWAY. EOLn (END OF LIONS). -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH TO GERMAN MOTORING TERMS ============================================ INDICATORS Die Blinkenlighten Tickenfurturnen BONNET Fingerpincer Und Knucklechoppen SPEEDOMETER Der Egobooster Und Linenshooter EXHAUST Spitzenpoppenbangentuben CLUTCH Die Kuplink Misschlippen Und Schaker PUNCTURE Die Phlatt Mit Bluddifukken LEARNER Die Twatten Mit Elplayts ESTATE CAR Der Bagzaroom Furshagginkinauto PARKING METER Der Tannerpinscher Und Klockenwerr WINDSCREEN WIPER Der Flippenflappenmuckenschpredder POWER BRAKES Der Edbangeronvindscreen Schtoppenkwik GEAR LEVER Der Biggensticken Fur Kangaroohoppen FUEL GUAGE Der Walletemtying Meter BREATHALISER Die Puftenem Pistanarsen REAR VIEW MIRROR Der Yoncunten Ist Tooklosen SEAT BELT Der Klunkenklikken Frauline Trapper HEADLIGHTS Der Dippendontdazzel Un Bastedor HIGHWAY CODE Der Wipen Fur Arsen FOG WARNING Die Puttenklogg Downen Und Fukkit TRAFFIC JAM Die Bluddifukkingdamunblast BUS DRIVER Der Panzer Kommandant POLICEMAN Der Adolf Hitler TRAFFIC WARDEN Der Adolf Hitler Und God TYRES Phlatfahrts JUGGERNAUT Der Fukkengrett Trukken CYCLIST Der Peddalpuschink Pilloker ACCIDENT Der Bleedinkmess NEARLY ACCIDENT Der Phewen Neir Schittenselfen BACKFIRE Der Laudenbangen Makenjumpen SKID Der Bannarner Waltzen -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MODERN NURSERY RHYMES (Part 1) ====================================== Little Jack Horner ================== Little Jack Horner Sat in the corner Eating his Christmas pie He stuck in his thumb And pulled out a 2oz packet of pure uncut Heroin Suddenly the door flew open and in sprang two cops from the New York Police Narcotics Squad. "Okay Horner, Narc Squad. Freeze ," called the foremost of the two men, pointing his .38 Special at the boy. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MODERN NURSERY RHYMES (Part 2) ======================================= Little Miss Muffet ================== Little Miss Muffet Sat on a tuffet Eating her curds and whey Along came a spider And sat down beside her So she pulled out her Nickel-plated .25 Automatic and pointed it at the insect. " What's your game buster ?" She questioned. Instead of answering, the spider turn and started to run. Hurling a housebrick after it, Miss Muffet shouted, "Get the hell outta here ya' crummy pervert." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MODERN NURSERY RHYMES (Part 3) ======================================= Wee Willie Winkie ================= Wee Willie Winkie Ran through the town Upstairs, downstairs in his Nightgown And got 6 months for indecent exposure. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Humpty Dumpty ============= Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Exposing himself to passers-by All the precinct's squad cars And all the precinct's men Took him away with a a black cover over his head to face indecency charges. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MODERN NURSERY RHYMES (Part 4) ======================================= Three blind hoods ================= Three blind hoods Three blind hoods See how they run See how they run They all ran after the occupants of squad car 12 Who blew off their heads with standard Police-issue Magnum .357's, and didn't give a damn for the guy who had to clean up the mess. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE MODERN NURSERY RHYMES (Part 5) ======================================= Mary Mary Quite Contrary ======================== Mary, Mary Quite Contrary How does your garden grow? "I'll tell ya' how," bellowed Detective O'Mally, his voice echoing in the smokey confines of the police interrogation room. "It's all the fertillizer ya' ripped off from the Smith's Hardware that's how." "Shove it," replied Mary, as cool as ever, taking a long drag from her cigarette. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- JOHN to his wife CYNTHIA : "Do you believe in re-incarnation dear, and if so what would you like to be in your next life?" CYNTHIA : "Oh yes, darling, I do believe in it! I think i'd like to be a pig!" JOHN : "No dear, I think you have to be re-born something different......." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A LITTLE POEM ============= As I was walking to St Pauls, A woman grabbed me by the .....hand She said to me "You're in luck", Let's go home and have a .....sandwich. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------