2 choirboys in church. 1st choirboy: Is that Fanny Green in the front row? 2nd choirboy: No it's the light through the stained-glass window. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 gays in a lift, with a lift operator. Lift operator: "Going Up?" 1st gay: "No we're just talking". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1st gay: How's your bum? 2nd gay: Shut up! 1st gay: So's mine - it must be the cold weather. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A PIGEON AND WINNIE MANDELA ? A PIGEON CAN SIT ON NELSON'S COLUMN !!!!!! (groan,groan) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- How do you torture queers? answer...Throw 'em down a bottomless pit!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- little girl-'Mummy can i get pregnant?' Mummy- 'no, you're much too young dear' little girl-'Carry on BOYS' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- What do you get if you cross an OWL and a HEDGEHOG..? ans...A Pr**k that stays up all night.!!!! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- J1... Whats small, yellow, and doesn't like liver A.... Ben Hardwick. J2... Whats 10 inches long, stiff, and you can never get up in the morning A.... A cot death. J3... How do you know when your sisters had a period A.... Your dad's d**k tastes funny. J4... Two nuns riding to church over an old cobbled path. Nun1.. I've never come this way before Nun2.. Me neither, but it's very enjoyable. J5... Whats got 4 legs, and goes woof A.... Piper Alpha. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Please can any of you out there supply me with the following things: "Helicopter Handbook" by Mike Smith "Lena Zavaroni's Good Food Guide" "Edwina Currie's Bad Food Guide" "Stick Insects" by Marti Caine "Mating Habits" by Cecil Parkinson "The North - how to forget about it" by Margaret Thatcher "How to sit on someone's face" by Cyril Smith MP "How to look ugly without trying" by Andrew Lloyd Webber "The Ladybird Book of Hamsters" by Freddie Starr -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A white baby dies and goes up to Heaven. Jesus (on the gate as it's St. Peter's day off) asks him what he has done in his life. The baby replies "Gimme a break, I'm only 3 weeks old." Jesus says "Grab a pair of wings over there and become an angel." A black baby dies and goes up to Heaven. Jesus (on the gate as St Peter has a hangover after his day off) asks him what hes done in his life. The baby replies "Gimme a break, I'm only 3 weeks old." Jesus says "Grab a pair of wings over there and become a bat." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two friends, Fred and Joe, were killed one day by a freak gas main exploding (they do it all the time you know!). Fred, who has led an exemplary life (helping old ladys across the road, getting boy scouts out of horses hooves, even asking the old ladys if they want to cross the road first) goes up to heaven. Joe has led a life of petty theft, womanising, and drug taking so he goes to hell. One day, Fred was talking to St. Peter while he was looking down into hell. He saw Joe sitting there with a huge mug of ale in one hand, a ciggie in the other and a girl on his knee. Fred says to St. Peter "This is unfair! I led a pure and useful life so I'm up here and all I do all day is sit on a cloud and play my harp. My friend Joe is down there and he has all he wants to drink and he has a bird!" [apologies to anyone offended by this term -ed] St. Peter replies "Yes, it appears this way but if you look closely, you'll notice that the mug has a hole in it but the woman hasn't" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A little girl walks into her parents bedroom and sees her mother naked. She points at her mothers crotch and says "Mummy, Mummy, when can I have one of those?" Her mother replies "When youre older dear." The little girl carries on into the bathroom and sees her father, also naked. She points at her fathers p**** and says "Daddy, Daddy, when can I have one of those?" Daddy says "Later on dear, when your mother's gone to bingo" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into his girlfriend's flat. She tells him about this magic mirror she picked up cheap at the market. "What ??" he says "Prove it!!" The girlfriend, who was (I've just decided) rather flat chested, stands in front of this mirror and recites "Mirror, mirror, on the door, make my flat tits 44", and the neccesary adjustments to her figure happen. Our hero (the original man) thinks "Wow! I must try this" so he now stands in front of our mirror and says "Mirror, mirror, on the door make my short p**** touch the floor", and his legs fall off. --------------------------------------------------------------------------------