At the Edge of Infinity - by P.More (ca130@uk.ac.city) ------------------------------------------------------ INTRODUCTION ------------ Surely everyone has at some time asked themselves the question "What is at the end of the universe?" Be this with reference to time or space. Spacewise it seems ludicrous to suggest the universe has an end, because what is beyond the end? But whether it is infinite or loops back on itself or does something completely beyond our comprehension we cannot say, yet. If ever. Time also is a bloody confusing thing. i.e. is there a beginning and/or an end? All this and other philosophical bollocks may be revealed in this phenomenal story spanning all 14 dimensions of space and time. CHAPTER 1 --------- To say that Robin Travis was exceedingly pissed off would be like saying its a bit chilly at nights in the antarctic. He was livid! The reasons for his anger are not of relevance to the story but the fact that he was angry and his actions due to this are of major importance to the entire plot, and so to help under- stand his mind on that historic night here is what happened from about 4 o'clock onwards. Robin leaned back on his chair behind his desk in his office. He was bored. there wasn't anything for him to do really but he knew the old sod wouldn't let him go early. He'd just find him some shitty little job to do. He started thinking about one of the two secretaries. Milkington and Hemmingway were a small import/export company and only had one floor of an eight story office block in a run down area of East London. They had two secretaries, Edith , a grumpy old school mistress type, and Belinda, who was 19 and had this affinity for tight Tee-shirts and jeans or skirts which only just made the top of her thighs, all of which she did unspeakable justice to. It was, unsurprisingly, the latter of the two about whom he was currently having fantasies which would shock even the most ardent (not a pun) Sunday Sport reader. He stared deep into her eyes as his hand worked its way up her left thigh; rubbing gently. He leaned forward to kiss her and did. He felt the warmth of her lips and then the seering heat of them. He jumped back in his chair and stared at his desk-lamp. It had been on all day and so was bloody hot, especially the bulb which he had just passionately kissed. He clasped his mouth and reached out for the jug of water on his desk. After drinking it all down, the pain was reduced to a bearable level but he could feel his lips swelling. He took this opportunity to mentally bollock himself severly. He was feeling the swelling on his lips and calling himself things in his head that he hadn't been called since his school days, when there was a knock at the door. He looked up saw Belinda through the glass of his door. He motioned for her to come in. She put a folder on his desk and said "This is from Dennis.", and then, with concern very obvious in her voice, "Are you all right Mr Travis? Your lips look very swollen." Why does she call that creep Collington by his first name and I'm always Mr Travis: "Yes I'm fine I just got too close to the lamp thats all." She turned to leave and he added "Er, you couldn't get the Murcott file for me please?" Robin didn't need or even want the Murcott file but it was held in the bottom drawer of his filing cabinet and today Belinda was wearing one of her shortest skirts ever. He may be in pain but he wasn't going to pass this up. She got to the cabinet and bent down. Robin adjusted himself on his seat to give himself room where it was needed. She got the file, put it on his desk and smiled. He only just managed to croak "Ta!" before she went. He would have to stop that, it wasn't good for him, he was sure. CHAPTER 2 --------- Carla, Queen of the Dorsetti, was running for her life. Her Army had been slaughtered by the strange noisy flying bird which had dropped exploding rocks. They had armed themselves with their axes, swords and spears ready to fight off the similarly-armed forces of Grobellar. But what they found were a handful of Grobellar's men who they easily slay but almost as soon as the last man had been killed, the huge bird came screaming out of the sun spitting fire and dropping rocks that had exploded when they hit the floor. She was the only person she had seen standing after the first few bangs mostly because she didn't look for anyone else. She just ran from cover to cover until she reached the woods. But surely they would send in an army to hunt her down and she could not fight of a whole army by herself. But she was not defeated yet. Whilst she couldn't fight a whole army, she would not need to if they couldn't find her. She knew these woods and the nearby mountains better than anyone except those few soles that actually lived in the mountains. She decided that the mountains were her best hope for escape and so she head East towards the mountains of Kealth. CHAPTER 3 --------- At 5 minutes to 5, Robin made his way out the door, saying Goodbye to both the secretaries as he went passed their desks. He drove his Fiesta out of the car park and into the constant stream of rush-hour traffic. He arrived home, in Herstford, North Kent, at about six o'clock. He pulled in his drive, got out of his car and walked up to his front door. He quickly found his key, opened the door and went in. By force of habit he went to his favourite chair in the living room and began reading the paper left purposefully on it. It was ten minutes before he noticed the burned remains of the television in the corner. "RUTH!!! What happened to the television?" He screamed out to his wife and the mother of his two children. She came in the room looking very sorry. "It, er, exploded." "How?" He asked sternly. "I, er, knocked a vase of water over it when I was cleaning" "You stupid..." He checked himself before he could add 'Fat, clumsy cow'. Instead he grabbed his coat and walked out the door. "Where are you going?" she called out after him, concerned. But she knew where he was going; the same place he always went when he was annoyed, The Rose and Crown. CHAPTER 4 --------- On the planet Grelsh, in a far off galaxy near one end of Orion's belt (as we see it), Grobellar, King of the Bretath tribe, sat back in his throne and laughed. "You say all of the Dorsetti have been killed?" he questioned the messenger. "Yes my Lord. The Quarg flying machine destroyed their army and then went on to obliterate their fortress." "Yes!", he laughed, "I did well to ally with these outer-worlders. Inform their leader that he is to dine at my table tonight." In a large hall in the castle taken over as Grobellar's palace a feast was taking place. There were tables filled with all manor of exotic fruits and meats. At the middle of the table at one end of the room sat Grobellar, to his left sat Kwenfeld, his Chancellor and advisor; and on his right Mweung, the leader of the Quarg. In fact Mweung was only a Captain in the Quarg Army but he was the leader of the expedition to Grelsh. The King of the Bretath tribe raised his glass to propose a toast, "Here's to our new partnership, may it be a long and trustworthy one." "Oh yes, your majesty." Put in Kwenfeld, who was a snivelling creep which is why he survived so long in the court of King Grobellar. "Yes, Grobellar," spoke the gravelly voice of the Quarg Captain, "To our partnership. But first we must settle our first deal. We kept our side of the bargain by destroying the Dorsetti and now you owe us one quarter of your diamond stock I believe." "Of course. It has been prepared and is ready for you to collect from my treasury at any time." It wasn't that Grobellar never failed to keep a deal, in fact he rarely kept to his word, but he knew that the Quarg could crush his people as easily as they had crushed the Dorsetti. (Something he had failed to do despite years of trying.) In fact he was curious as to why the Quarg hadn't destroyed his people and taken all his treasure instead of a quarter of his diamonds. Carla's meal that evening had been a wild shaggat (like a cross between a goat and a rabbit) cooked over a small fire so that it was mostly raw. CHAPTER 5 --------- Many people have wondered why it is that practically all the higher life forms are basically humanoid: Most are more or less indistinguishable from humans as we know them from a distance. There are many theories as to why this is. 1) It is the Ideal shape for a life-form to have and that given enough time the forces that govern evolution will evolve any life form into that shape. Certainly the human shape has proved itself as the best general purpose form yet devised. (This Theory forms a large part of the arguments had between men and dolphins in bars.) 2) All humanoids were spored from the same seeds. There are 2 main subtheorems. 2a) The seeds of original man were formed eons ago and floated about the universe until they pollenated a planet. In which case There should, in theory, still be some seeds floating about in space, but attempts to find them have been fruitless (sorry). 2b) Man evolved on one planet and set up colonies all over the universe whereapon all the colonies became primative for some inexplicable reason. 3) God got so pissed off after spending 6 days creating a wealth of flora and fauna that he couldn't be bothered to have as much variation in higher life-forms. (especially as he had a 7 day deadline to meet.) 4) God decided that as eventually most of the higher life-forms would meet, it would be easier and create less conflict if they all looked roughly the same. Having said this, it would by wrong to think that all higher life-forms are humanoid, because they aren't. There is a vast number of non-human higher forms of life but they are considerably outnumbered by humans CHAPTER 6 --------- Colin Sapsworth was dead. He knew this because he was in heaven and moments before, a huge lorry had been heading straight for him. He decided that he quite liked heaven with its green fields separated by big bushes and large areas of trees. Its a bit like the English countryside, he thought to himself. Except that it was a hell of a lot quieter. Suddenly this thought slapped him in the face and he sat up. He began Looking about listening for any sound at all. It was very peaceful here he concluded after he had sat for several minutes listening for sounds of life. After a little while taking in the beauty of heaven he decided to look around and see what there was to find. He felt hungry which disturbed him because he had always thought that heaven was a place where physical needs were abolished. Mind you, everything about heaven so far had been very different to what he had expected, except the inner peace: he had never felt so peaceful. He walked to the edge of the field and into a wooded area. He could see light through the trees so headed for that. Walking through he studied the plants and decided that they were very similar to Earth plants. He stopped at one tree and examined it closely. Crawling up the bark was an ant. So there is other life here. If I squashed it would it die? He couldn't work that one out at all. Perhaps its only heaven for intelligent life? Should he try and squash it just to see? No!! He didn't want to upset God. He walked on. After a few more steps he bent down to pick up what he thought looked like a bone. It was a bone. So there was other life and it could die. He threw it gently beneath a bush thinking "poor bunny or whatever you were", and continued his walk. He wouldn't have been quite so cheerful if he had known that bone had been a human bone. CHAPTER 7 --------- It was 11.30 and Robin Travis Emerged from the "Rose and Crown" Public house in an extreme state of drunkeness. To say he was "as pissed as a fart" would by a slanderous accusation towards the fart species who are not always very sober but never that drunk. It is an interesting point to note the origins of the word "fart" as used by most of human life throughout the universe to mean the expulsion of body gasses via the rectum and also in "as pissed as a fart." Many Eons ago, when the humans dominated the universe, there was a planet Fjhurt (pronounced "Fart") inhabited by Fjhurts (they were humanic in general form but were not descended from the same ancesters). The were famous for the state of, what can best be described as, tiddleness they kept them selves in by drinking the sap of the Wubstas Tree. They were also known for their musical wind-breaking feats. Hence the name fjhurt to describe acts of wind and the phrase "as pissed as a Fjhurt". Later, the Empire of man was crushed by the might of the previously ignored Ants and the surviving humans were split up and sent of to different parts of the universe, where they degenerated back into savages as this seemed preferable to accepting the terrible fact of the defeat. The "Fjhurts" were remembered as racial memory, being passed on from generation to generation via genes. The Ants' overunning of the humans was forgotted because this is was the human mind does with things it can't believe. All this didn't help Robin who was staggering down the road, alone, singing all the old favourites including "Roll out the barrel", "Show me the way to go home" and "It took a welsh miner..."(*). What he was to do next was to cause a hellofalot of bovver for all concerned and is the reason behind this story (so he has an awful lot to answer for). He suddenly realised thaty he should not be singing because he should, in fact, be bloody annoyed. Yes, Actually he was f**king annoyed. That stupid bitch had ruined the T.V. set. I'd show her. Of course, he reasoned, she did it deliberately because the World Cup begins soon. I'll give her what for. And at that he did the thing that was to threaten the safety of the Earth more than any thing that had been done before. He picked up and threw a brick. An ordinary house brick. Which did nothing more than hit the drainage pipe leading down from the roof to the drain of a nearby empty house, hitting it square in the middle obliterating that part of the old, rusting, iron pipe completely. "Oh, looks like I've killed the wife" he told himself and he turned back and staggered home to bed. (*) Not available on L.P./Cassette/Compact Disc from Storey-tell Ltd.