Grand Unification and the Theory of Time
 
                        by Dave Barry
 
             [The Billings Gazette, August 16, 1988]
 
         I recently decided to join with other top theoretical physicists
    in the effort to develop a Grand Unification Theory of the universe.
    You may have read about this.  For years now, physicists have been
    trying to come up with a single theory that can explain the five
    major forces in the universe:  gravity, atomic power, magnetism,
    chocolate and whining.  These days, when theoretical physicists
    get together, Grand Unification is almost all they talk about.
    Which is not to say that they are dull.  No, they tell their share
    of theoretical jokes.  Here's a popular one:
 
         FIRST PHYSICIST:  How many theoretical physicists does it take
    to screw in a light bulb?
 
         SECOND PHYSICIST:  Hmmmm, let's see.  (He writes some calculations
    on the blackboard.)
 
         FIRST PHYSICIST:  That is correct.
 
         But after the fun, they exchange "high five to the 27th power"
    handshakes and get right back to work.  Because they know that whoever
    is the first to find the Grand Unification Theory will receive the
    Nobel Prize and scientific immortality, not to mention lucrative
    offers to endorse plastic pen pouches.
 
         Right now the leading contender for these honors is Stephen
    W. Hawking, who has written a best-selling book about the search
    for the Grand Unification Theory, called "A Brief History of Time,"
    which is selling like hot cakes at $18.95 a pop.  Call me a dedicated
    Science Pioneer, but when I find out that a person can make that
    kind of money in the field of Grand Unification, I reach for my
    thinking cap.
 
         Fortunately, I received extensive training in physics back
    in 1965 at the world-renowned Pleasantville High School Physics
    Lab under the direction of the widely respected teacher, Mr.
    (Something) Heideman.  I was personally involved in the famous
    experiment where you place a 10-gram weight on an inclined plane
    set at a 30-degree angle, then, when Mr. Heideman is not looking,
    you and Joseph DiGiacinto, who is now an attorney, spit out the
    window on people, thereby proving that siliva is attracted toward
    gravity.
 
         Drawing on this academic background, I have authored a recognized
    scientific classic, which is reprinted here in its entirety:
 
         "A MUCH BRIEFER HISTORY OF TIME"
 
         Aside from Velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in
    the universe.  You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge
    you upward of $45 per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.
 
         Human beings first became aware of time during the era of the
    ancient Egyptians, who, while getting ready to build the pyramids,
    invented the fundamental time unit, which is still in regular use
    today:  the weekend.  "We'll build those pyramids first thing after
    the weekend," the Egyptians were fond of saying, although, of course,
    as soon as one weekend ended, they'd immediately start another one
    because it was the only unit they had.  This was the Golden Age,
    and it was marked by the invention of beer.
 
         The Golden Age ended tragically with the discovery of Wednesday,
    which led to the modern calendar featuring Friday, Tuesday, Pork
    Awareness Month, etc.  This was followed by two major time advances:
 
         * Daylight Saving Time, which originated as a prank played
    by government employees who wanted to see if they could get an
    entire nation to change all its clocks twice a year without having
    the faintest idea why;  and
 
         * Military Time, which is when you say things like "1400 hours."
    This is very useful for making brisk and efficient military state-
    ments, as in:  "It took the squadron 1400 hours to deploy the
    $4.2 million Mobile Laser-Enhanced Tactical Field Latrine, and it
    still flushes backward."
 
         Today more and more households are operating on Blink Time.
    This is when a power outage causes all the digital clocks in all
    of your appliances to blink "00:00," sometimes for months, because
    you can't figure out how to make them stop because the owners'
    manuals are totally unintelligible because all the actual instructions
    have been replaced by pages upon pages of lawyer-excreted statements
    beginning with the word "WARNING."
 
         It is thanks to labor-saving advances such as this that top
    theoretical physicists such as myself have been able to devote our
    time to thinking about this pesky Grand Unification problem, which,
    although it took me darned near half the morning, I am pleased to
    report I have solved.  The answer is:
 
         (Note to Editors:  Please put a grand unification theory here.)
 
         So there you have it.  Let me just say, by way of closing,
    that I'm sorry if my triumph comes as a disappointment to the other
    physicists, and I hope they understand that I mean it from the bottom
    of my heart when I say:  "Ha, ha, I get the money."  And now I must
    go, because I see by the oven that it's 00:00, which is when I
    usually have a beer.