And now here is next week's news.

The weekend:
   Following John Major's announcement that the government will be
   introducing a state lottery, advisers inform him that there already is
   one, known as the NHS.
   
   Commuters complain of overcharging by British Rail after fares go up
   twice while they are waiting to get home.
   
   The reunion dinner for former members of the West Midlands Serious
   Crime Squad is called off, as everybody thinks the invitations have
   been faked.

Monday:
   Suspicions that MI5 are using outdated files to round up Iraqi suspects
   in Britain are confirmed when they are charged with being undesirable
   Messopotamians.
   
   The plumber who charged a customer 1500 pounds for mending a burst
   pipe admits it was exceptional, but explains that he always offers a
   10% discount in February.
   
   Following revelations that Americans can now fly to Britain for four
   pounds less than it costs to travel to Birmingham by train, travellers
   point out that with a flying time of only six hours it will be quicker
   as well.

Tuesday:
   Reports that more adults are managing to keep their own teeth are
   confirmed by an expert who says it's because fewer people are appearing
   with Kilroy-Silk.
   
   British Rail announces plans to invest millions of pounds in new
   machinery that will convert snow into the right kind.

Wednesday:
   After losing a nine year legal battle for possession of an ancient
   statue of a Hindu deity, the company involved say it's going to cost
   them an arm and an arm and an arm and an arm.
   
   Sir Norman Foster's design for the new Canary Wharf tube station is
   attacked by the Prince of Wales on the grounds that it looks like a
   tube station.

Thursday:
   After breakfasting in a Little Chef restaurant, John Major denies that
   he is encouraging people to eat stodgy fat foods and points out that
   he is axing school meals for half a million children.
   
   The French anthropologist who claims that Adam was a pigmy says he
   also believes that Eve was a cannibal and that the Garden of Eden saw
   the world's first snake and pigmy pie.

Friday:
   British Rail, who promised that they would learn from the lessons of
   the past week, reintroduce steam trains.
   
   And finally, Bill Wyman's fantasy of being seduced by an older woman
   looks set to become true when he's seen out with an 18 year old.
   
And that is the end of next week's news.

British Rail would like to apologise for the delays, cancellations and
late arrivals due to the bad weather. Normal service will resume as soon
as possible, with the usual delays, cancellations and late arrivals.