And now here is next week's news.

The weekend:
   Responding to a Buckingham Palace request to stop publishing shots of the
   Duchess of York's thighs, Sun photographers complain that they will now
   have to get used to taking pictures standing up.

   Kenny Dalglish says he was forced to resign from Liverpool football club
   when he realised he could no longer face the pressures of being the only
   man on Merseyside still to have a job.

Monday:
   The Basil Fawlty candidate standing for the raving loony green giant
   party in a bielection says he nearly stood for the SLD, but he didn't
   want to make a fool of himself.

   In a desperate attempt to stop hoax bomb calls, British Telecom provides
   an 0898 number for them.

   Reports that transvestites love dressing up as Kylie Minogue are
   confirmed as they say it saves them wearing a padded bra.

Tuesday:
   The fisherman who wants to set up a chain of maggot vending machines is
   told that the same service is already on tap from Thames Water.

   After Lady Porter's decision to retire as leader of Westminster council,
   a staff collection raises enough to buy her a set of matching graveyards.

Wednesday:
   Four million London commuters nominate themselves for the George Cross.

   A prison spokesman defends Gerald Ronson's early release as an attempt to
   reduce overcrowding, explaining that the west wing will now be free.

   At the funeral of Eugene Foudore, writer of hundreds of travel guide
   books, the service is delayed when the courtege takes the most scenic
   route to the church.

Thursday:
   The building society manager who was also a drug dealer admits that it
   was the money, excitement and risk which made him work for the Portman
   Wessex.

   As snow falls in the sahara Desert for the first time in thirty years,
   camel trains are cancelled.

Friday:
   After arguing with her sister over the Gulf war, Lynn Redgrave says
   that she will not change her name and will continue to be known as
   vanessa Redgrave's sister.

   The 71 year old burglar, who was told by a judge that he should now
   retire after 50 years of crime, is presented with a stolen gold watch.

   And finally, as classical music recordings sponsored by durex go on sale,
   shop keepers find that some customers are too shy to ask for them when a
   woman is serving.

And that is the end of next week's news.