And now here's next week's news. The weekend: The rector who advertised his church on beer mats in local pubs says he's delighted the congregation has increased, but he can't keep up with the demand for smokey bacon communion wafers. After a stegasaurus is found in the Cotswalds, local residents say that they knew it was there but it hadn't been there long enough for them to be formally introduced. Monday: Following firm denials that Mrs Thatcher plans to leave parliament at the next election, her colleagues finally relise that she has decided to go. Plans for cricketers to use a new electronic umpire are scrapped after players complain that the device cannot be heard when 11 jumpers are wrapped around it. Tuesday: In Islington the organisers of the video show which invited visitors to meet Jeremy Beadle say they didn't really want anyone to turn up anyway. Magistrates who granted a reprieve to the alsation which bit Nigel Lawson's wife say they think it has suffered enough. Wednesday: Responding to claims that fish fingers contain 20% water, manufacturers agree that it makes them rather tasteless and undertake to remove the fish. Thursday: At the funeral of Alex Badenoch, the leading neurologist who specialised in prostate operations, as a mark of respect the anticipated flood of mourners is reduced to a trickle. The dolphin that was sexually assaulted is told by a high court judge that she was asking for it by swimming naked and batting her eyelids. Friday: After a suvey shows that a quarter of video recorder owners don't know how to work them, it's revealed that they're the ones without children. Health board officials who prosecuted a bogus dentist say that they were alerted when patients complained of being undercharged for treatment. And finally, an association is formed for the users of mechanical sex toys and members say they enjoy getting together because it gives them all a buzz. And that is the end of next week's news. Originated on Saturday, 2nd March 1991 at 11:25am GMT